The Truth comes out! Lord of the rings style!

Went to lunch with on of the C teachers at my school and another friend from C. Anyways we started talking about teaching (since all of us were in the mind of teaching English) surprise surprise, when she started telling me of the different relationships and power struggles with the leadership and the teachers in the school. I knew it was there, but I just didn't know if I would get a chance to know about it. So here's the dirt! Gossip galore! Don't turn off your computer now if you want to know who slept with...

okay, so got to be careful here, hmm let me see. okay, i'm going to use some lord of the rings terminology... eg : orc's, elves, minas tirith, dungeons, pipe smoking contset, they each stand for something here. I think your smart enough to figure it out by the context, but msg me if you still have trouble.


So apparently the orc's hire elves through a really slick hiring processes. Basically, the whiter your complexion and the more attractive you are... the better the chances of you getting in... (TO Minas Tirith...) just what we need attractive teachers to help the pubescent hobbit males to learn about pipesmoking& all.

If the orc's don't like you, they can't fire you.. but they can put you in a dungeon with very unruly hobbits. The hobbits that didn't do well on their pipe smoking contests. So Frodo*(can you guess who frodo is?) learned a bit more about Minas Tirith, the hobbits in the dungeons are segreated based on how well they did smoking their pipes. The bunch the best hobbits together, the ones in the middle, and the ones who didn't do very well in separate dungeons. And well you may already know, Frodo dislike this system of segreation... there are benefits Frodo knows, but still...

So here is the catch... if the orc's like you then they put you in a dungeon with hobbits that have done well, and if they don't then you know which dungeon they will put you in.

There is a saying, if you can't lie you can't be an orc, if you can't drink you can't be an orc either. Now its funny cause I discovered the orc's don't particularly like one of the best elves here and I don't understand it. the Elf does a great job, uses many different techniques, and is one of the few who actually cares for the hobbits (by her actions vs other elves) and yet the Elf isn't liked.

Then there is another Elf, who looks after frodo... Anyways, to my surprise, the orc's like this elf, but the other elves do not, because they think the elf is a tratior or something. Such are the political entanglements with orc's and elves.. they never really liked eachother in the first place, but intrestingly enough.. to be an orc, you must first have been be an elf... (just as in Lord of the Rings... if you know the story, the orc's were demented mutilations of elves)

Well enough about elves and orc's.. Frodo's mission is just too important!

Back to coherence

If it were possible for me, I would have done it a long time ago. I think I finnaly got over the bug/virus that has been plagueing me for the past 4 days (since last wednesday). Last night was probably the worse of it, not cause I was vomiting my guts or pole-axed by a headache, but cause my nose was stuffed, and I mean stuffed, inflammed, whatever you call it. So apart gasping for breath I was fine. Doesn't go well when you want to sleep. But I cancelled all my classes today and rested, so now i have full nostril vacumming functionality. I'm still tired cause of the lack of sleep, but I hope i'm on the upswing.

Though this scenerio has made me think that perhaps I'm allergic to something in this place, I do have a kitten (who is not doing so well cause he jumped off a table that was too high and hurt his shoulder.. and I think, i'm not sure, but he dislocated his left shoulder, so he is really unable to move.) So I have to move him to eat, go to the bathroom and sleep. I feel like I'm a occupational therapist. (So my liason got me some antihistamies... but he told me that the cat has to go.... now if he's causing me these aleregy type symptoms, I won't last being unable to sleep at night. but still where / who am I going to give a lame cat too? (note lame in the sense he can't move very well, vs the lame of being dull and boring.) I'll see if I can find a place at the school where I can feed him and check up on him in peace.

Its a beautiful thing

when you can sit in your room at the end of October with the windows open in your underware without feeling cold. (curtains are drawn, serious!)

Not just noodles

Where are you when I need you! Please! Open a store here! Noodles noodles everywhere, noodles noodles in my hair, get them out, thick and thin before I burn them in a firey hill. (And you thought China was the capital of Rice city huh?) I never thought they could possibly make sooo many different flavours of instant noodles (maybe 3 or 4 pushing it) but they've got at least 20 in the market. Every morning what do I eat? Courageous Captian Cruch? Chocolaty Count Choucula? Cheerios? Nope, they haven't heard of the Cereal industry here, its all noodles, which is why they should open a restaurant called 'Not just noodles' for those of you who don't know, No Just noodles is a Fake Chinese Restaurant located at the intersection of Yonge and Weseley St, Downtown Toronto.

As you may already know, down here, motorbikes are the ride of choice, and of course that means many teachers have already had me ride theirs. I don't have a fav yet, and I'm sorry for you bike fanatics out there, i dont' know what you see in them. But anyways the safty standards here are uhhh, how do you say very overrated? Half the time I don't ride with a helmet. So yesterday, hilariously enough, I went into the city on a motorbike with a teacher, as you may suspect I was helmetless as she didn't have an extra helmet. After the 15 minute ride into the city (where we were to have lunch in) she stops at her house and quickly runs in. A little while later she comes out carrying a what? a helmet! Great, at least for the ride in the city I will much safer if something happens right? Nope, she hands me one without a strap, as I put it on, part of me want to just ask her... So how is this going to protect me when we go flying off the bike after hitting that car? Well, I kept quiet, and accepted her wishful thinking. Well at least there is one good think that came out of it, at least I looked like a dork, in that yellow construction hat of a helmet.

Delusional feverish rant... (had a small fever lastnight and tonight)

So some students got bopped today, "not the bebop and rocksteady" chemical bro's bop, with the hammer. we lost 4 of the students this morning when they had to be removed from class after suffering severe concusions. Yep, promoting violence with a correctly answered english question is just some of teh side effects of my teaching methods. But I fear when I am gone the bopping may stop, or subsist on a level such that it is barely remembered or honoured. Its so sad to know now, that this might be the last chance students may ever recieve the bopping of a lifetime. So my solution? Bop now and talk later. Next week i'm gonna try it out with nunchuks.

(On a side note,)Hmm I think nunchucks would be a good prize to give out during an English corner English contest .

As for my room its still as dry as a dessert, lucky to the drain in my bathroom. Some of you might remember my toliet does not have running water, so I ahve to fill a pail up with water, and the douce the toilet. (Which allows for doing only number 1, and sometimes.. if lucky, a watery number 2.) Well after doing my business this morning, I started to fill the pail with water from a shower head. Well it takes several minutes to fill, so I'm not going to sit there and wait, I go back into my room to prep for classes. So I did that, and left the room with the water running. *Gasp*, so hence I am very much appreciative of the drain in my bathroom. Otherwise this is the SECOND time I would have flooded my room.

I also had a really cool idea for running a school, particularly in the assessment of students achievement on tests. There would be a completely new grading system, which would be designated as follows: On a test of perhaps 50 or so questions, if one would get one question wrong, they would be graded as 'stupid' and serious attention would have to be exerted on the student for them to improve. Now if they got 2 questions wrong, well .. hmmm, they would be what I would call a BH. or beyond and hope. There is no reason why I should keep such a student with such low grades and motivation. 3 or more wrong... captital punishment, well hence it would only work in the states and other captital punishment abiding states. But if they got perfect, on every test they would recieve a 'not too bad' stamp of approval on their certificate. Why waste valuable ink and space on a degree or diploma with "honours? or bachelor?". Of course with this system I fear that not very many students would suceed, so in order to pay the bills and live a luxurious lifestyle, I would have to charge exorbiantly high prices. The few that make it, will know for the rest of their life, that they are 'not half bad'. Any more delusional ideas?

Oh I was thinking of naming the English club I started here yesterday, "The club for students who want to read english good, and do other things good too"

So what am I doing now?

Listening to the block rocking bleats of phatasmalcratic techno enriched music. baba beduba baba beduba baba beduba baba beduba .... some of the most diverse and replayable music I can ever recommend!

So... Do you want nunchuks! Don't be timid! I know you do, whell. ehemm, for only 30 kuai, which is about 4 dollars equivalent you can get your own bruise kabobing, leg breaking, look at me using my nunchuks mama crazy sticks. Just look at these things! Yeah, two sticks and a chain, what a wonderful invention.



There is only one thing that's cooler then two sticks and a chain, and that would have to be a frame of a chair and a seat from a toliet... yes, presenting the poopanywhere chair, brought to you by the same people who gave you PC anywhere. After the sucess of PCanywhere, the management wanted to look into other potiental 'anywhere activities. It was durring the jalapano eating contest that the idea first took flight, there just weren't enough Portapoties to go around, if only there was a more portable fecal removal system. Well our ingenious design gives the user of the chair complete confidentiality of the duality of the chair, as a seat and a bathroom all in one. Once seated your ready to roll out, Great for parks, offices, and stadiums that don't have enough seating. Best of all, you can just drop it and forget it. No clean up required. (Warning noxious odors from the vicinity of the chair may cause nausea) Just pick it up and go somewhere else.




Our patented Toliet seat hindged on frame of seat technology guarentees 5000+ uses!
Toliet paper not included.

The many faces of Chris (with a fowhawk!?!)

Magnum!
In your face giddy
Stupified by others stupitity
Meh!
Ready to cause some Mayhem








So... what about a date?
Jarred
Heeerrrreeee'sss Chrissy!
Ha ha ha... that was sooo funny... uhhh What was it you said again?









So I got a little carried away... Do I see self obsession or what?

HUGE ERROR

I reread one of my previous posts and realized I have made a most heinous error. A couple posts ago I was talking to... dead people (no no no I mean about dead people), kids peeing on my pants and so on, and I quoted that my day was

"MORE mundane then watching Gone with the Wind"

I stand corrected, what I ment to say was

"Almost but not more mundane then Watching Gone with the Wind"

I'd rather fall into boiling lava, be hit by a 2000lbs rock, or sky dive into a herd of porcupines without a parachute then watch Gone with the Wind.

More pictures

Morning exercises for all the students. Sucks to be them! Teachers are exempt!










Mess Hall Mayhem! 3000 students fighting for 50 different bowls in one hour. Mayhem! (I like using that word)

My life in Pictures

Disclaimer: Some of the events portrayed in these cartoons may not be entirely accurate.
But it is must faster to do this to clean a smelly cat then otherwise (hence less stress for the cat) really!

Soooooo today

All my classes were cancelled, a kid pissed on my pants, and I saw a dead guy.

Other then that, it was quite uneventful, nauseatingly boring, and more mundane then watching Gone with the wind.

How do you teach the word serious?

Like this :)



So I might have crossed over some lines with 'appropriate teaching material' but I think it really does convey the essence of the meaning of serious. I mean who in their right mind would think that a sword sticking out out a persons knee is not serious? I just don't know if I drew enough blood... Now I can only hope that one of these days that I can hear my students yelling 'serious! serious!' only to find that there was a horrible car accident on the road.


I also went to a botanical garden this weekend.. (did I mention I also went to one last weekend.. and the weekend before? (all different) They really do like their 'botanical gardens'. So instead of showing you some pictures of the amazing and rare plants as well as scenic and breathtaking vistas, I present to you a picture of the vice principal... if you look closely at his shirt you will notice... yep he is a playboy fanatic.

(Playboy is a huge popular label here in China ~ I don't know if they know what ummm Playboy's other multi-billion dollar industry does....)



Finally for those who are queasy of insects and bugs alike, I give you the plate of larva supreme, freshly fried (they say its crispy but I would beg to differ) now did I eat any? Well I'll keep you in suspense.



Finally on more of a toilet humour note, (what you think I'm going to say something sentimental or something? This is Chris we're talking about) I realized the difference between a 'papaya and a passion fruit' passion fruit is one of the most sweetest and wonderful juice making from flesh fruit there is. Yum. Papaya is a huge ugly 'smelling like its going rotten (even if its just ripe) *crap* ohhh... I can use the word crap can I?' donker of a fruit. It reminds me of parmesan (excuse the spelling) cheese, which smells like it came from someones cistern, unfortunately unlike parmesan cheese, papaya tastes as it smells. And how can anyone refuse fruit that is bought for them from your supervising teacher?

Crazy Week

Let me explain, I had to go to the city for 3 days to help co-host and organize a primary school teacher conference for about 120 primary school teachers that teach in the villiages. Talk about responsibility... my supervisor thought I did a great job but its quite tough when your only given 2 days to prepare and even then I only met the teaching assisstants the night before the conference and had to give them tips on how to teach the material.

So anyways I find it hillarious and unbelieveable that my job was to assess these teachers who have been teaching from anywhere from 5 to 15 years.... Yeah, and me? how many years of experience do I have? That's right 0... oh this is my first year (anyone scared yet what I taught the teachers ? hehehe mwhahahmwwahahahawhahawahwa!

Well that being said they have much difficulty in teaching a language, and well I don't know why but it seems as if I am quite gifted in this field so in the end I think it evens the playing field... Strange no?

Mind you as luck would have it it was held in an elementary school. Which ment that I would be able to hang around and interact with the younger kids. I really like the younger grades, they just adored me. Every time I went into their class room there would be rooting and cheering for all. They tried to tackle me several times while I had to hand out my autograph. Some of them figured out if they said 'da' (which mean's big in Chinese)(not like the english ebonics 'da' which means the, but is cool. like I'm da king.) I would write a page sized autograph. It makes me sometimes wish I got to teach those kids.

Funny thing though, one of the teachers brough an inflatable hammer (made of plastic) so I went around bopping kids with the hammer, one would think that the kids would try to avoid the hammer, but no, the all wanted to be bopped... So I bopped them all, and em some. So watch out when you bop, cause you might not be allowed to stop.. hahahaha.. funny.

And best of all, as some of you may have known of my Nintendo DS, and my search for nintendo games has ended, I have found a shop that carries many! Beside the elementary school where they could get all the kids hooked! And to my surprise the games only go for $3 to $5 dollars a piece :) *grin* :) ... so I got the old super mario 4 on SNES, and Legend of Zelda a link to the past, awesome classics! Whooo hooo!! Last place I would have looked!

Well on a not so happy or funny note, there has been much rain falling here, 4 days straight, and well that has ravaged the countryside very close to teh school here. Fields have flooded crops lost and I'm sure there have been some casualities, it was unfortunate and if it wasn't for the highway that was build higher then the land I would not have been able to come back to the school for some time. Its really somethting else to be in the middle of a natural disaster, and the school and city is really lucky that not more rain fell as they were spared. Here are some of the pictures of devestastion.

Before I forget,

I have a kitten! Found him or her at the school today, probably a couple days old, washed him up and now he's sleeping snuggly in a box. Any tips to raise kittens?

The last 3 days can be summed up with this:

I didn't have to squat... If your wondering what I mean just think about paper that's rolled in bunches (2 ply is usually the best)

Other then that I went on a 5 hour mountainous drive through the mountains to another village and stayed there for several days.

The students

What kind of diabolical computer is this? It will not allow me to copy and paste... i'm useless with out CRT-C and CRT-V.. ahhh.. okay anyways to understand the pictures read below... :)



are gone, this week is called 'National Holiday' for I do not have a better word to explain it (they just keep telling me its National Holiday) and I just go along with it. Well the school is empty, literally, not a single student within a birds eye view. And as you may know, the student dorms are empty. Its such a different place when there are 3000 bodies missing and I can actually hear the birds and the wind again. Don't get me wrong, I love the students but its nice to have a break like this and reflect. I'm the only one on the soccer field playing soccer. I'm the only one in the bathroom doing my business (and its good too cause the bathroom stalls don't have any screens or doors).

It made me think, how much this place means to me, how much I have enjoyed teaching here, and been offered kindness and help. The hello's and giggles of the students, I already miss it. The airport to the city is right beside the school (luckly its not a big city so airplanes don't come very frequently) but every time I hear one i sometimes think that's one less flight I have to wait for till I have to go. But that is seeing the glass half empty. When in reality its a blessing for me to be able to stay and miss that flight, every flight is a reminder to keep this experience and make the best of it, to look and help others, and to be helped. To lookpast the cultural frustations and language barriers. I love this place.

Oh and with all my spare time I made 3 new friends... literally: Jenn, Frank and Jason(the mean looking one) quite by accident too. They are a little fruity but anyways...

Today Frank was drawing a picture minding his own business, when Jason came along and asked to make some changes to it... 'uh-oh'. Well As you can see Jason made some changes alright. Moral of the story. Don't give Jason your markers!

Chinese weddings

are the most frivolous affairs, never have I been to one before, but I was casually invited by one of my English Teachers Cheng Zhi.. or as you know him Scott. Well first off you don't need invitations, which I was glad, and as a forienger I guess I can consider my skin colour VIP quaility. Anyways the whole sindig takes about an hour, you eat dinner at some huge banquet hall/hotel/restaurant in the mean time the bride walks from table to table greating all their guests and of course at each table the couple recieves gifts (to pay for the affair). Now they do not get it for free, oh no, they have to do something at each table (and with 50 tables that is quite a task. Usually its drink a glass of bear.. well okay beer, or wine or hard liquor, but at some tables they are not so kind. They dump some rice, and pork, not to mention some fish and other items non congruent to the drinking kind into the glass(At those tables one can extrapolate a very poor and deprived childhood). A catch-22 indeed, if the couple does not drink they do not recieve the gifts... Hmm something to rememeber NOT to do at my wedding :).