Chris Go China

How Many?

2007-06-19T19:42:00.000-07:00

There were many potential exciting blog topics that I could possible write down for you to read and see, over the past few weeks quite a number of weird, exciting, boring, and worldly stories just keep on coming to make my world my world. No that's not a mistake the double 'my world's adds effect. So I could tell about going to the police station yesterday... I could also inform you of the US and its plans to build new nuclear weapons with the added bonus that they would be MORE viable for actual use... just check out this cool flash animation about it:
NUKE BOOOM!!!! YEAH!!!

I could even divulge a bit into what I really do here... Telling you how I got on Local television - and not a cheap 'Look at me at a sporting event making a face to get on camera type' but I got interviewed! Take that! But alas no, I will tell you nothing about the above at all, but rather a fairly hilarious story involving Aeroplan points (kinda like airmiles except a Canadian Original Idea) since i'll be collecting very very much many traveling to China and all. 8000 miles alone one way. But just to put it in perspective I need 25000 miles to get a free flight from Toronto to LA, what can I say? Aeroplan miles is reason enough to FLY! I can see the next time I talk to a travel agent...

She: "Where do you want to go?" -travel agents are always females... I know its gender discrimination... but us guys can't do anything about it.
Me: "I don't know, I just want aeroplan miles.. how about I just pay you for a ticket and you debit my account with aeroplan miles?"
She: "That's stupid...why collect aeroplan miles when you could actually travel with a ticket AND collect aeroplan at the same time?"
Me: "The plane might crash? How am I going to collect areoplan miles when I'm dead? bet you didn't think of that one..."

and so on...

So in order to collect areoplan miles you need to show your aeroplan card # to the travel agent. Now I need to book tickets back to LA and Toronto and I do want to collect those miles... but I had a problem, I had no Idea where that number was, so I thought hey, maybe I can go on the website and find out since I had to register on the web in the first place. On the website you have to log in. Great! Using your areoplan Number... which I don't have. That being said, I also need to type in a password too, which I also forgot. hmmm kinda stuck.

Luckily sifting through my emails I find an email from Air Canada with my aeroplan mile number. Go back to the website, and remember I still need my password. I was not completly out of options, since the login page also had a link aptly named "click here if you forgot your password". Which I clicked and sent me to a page where I had a answer a secret question. Secret question you say? Its a question that you make up when you first register that if you happen to forget your passward and you can answer your secret question, they will give you your password (or a least email it to you.) Usually people have a question like "What is my mothers maiden name" or "What year did world war II end" but when I took a look at mine it said, "How Many?" .... great that's MY QUESTION? HOW MANY? how many what? I don't know, I don't remember what I was thinking at the time. Talk about making a secret question difficult for the person who wrote the secret question. Though I must say it was a good one cause it stumped me. I tried 4, 11, 7777, and 1979... but apparently that's not how many of what I was thinking at the time there were. *sigh* Can you help me tell me how many?

Irony?

2007-06-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

"Europe's CIA Inquiry: Poland, Romania hosted secret prisons" -TMP

http://www.tpmmuckraker.com/archives/003390.php

Realpolitick, REALLY! A view of this nations poor.. They are all LAZY!

2007-06-09T05:37:00.000-07:00

A particular minority group here is very poor(I won't even tell you which country its in). The reason? They are lazy. Sure they live in some of the most remote places in the area where as the other minority groups live closer to the main roadways and transportation arteries. But that doesn't excuse them from using helicopter transport. Hospitals use helicopters, I see no why bush men from China can't use them either. Sure at the altitude that they live makes it difficult to plant the cash crops or crops to feed themselves, but some of the best hasheesh come from those remote area's, forget planting corn and rice - heroin my brothers brings a world full of delusional perfect joy, uh, well until tomorrow... but as the bible does say, "Do not worry about tomorrow".

So what have we done for these lazy people? who sit on their grass thatched carpets watching TV all day? We build a school in their village, hire a teacher from another Minority group - since we want our minority peoples to know they are valued as the regular citizen, and educate the younger generation. Even as we provide such service, the students only come to class once a week! How despicable! how are these children suppose to learn so to better their future? Why even the teacher seeing the laziness of the people decided to come only once a week! Lucky he's a minority or he would have been replaced for only coming once a week (which is not his fault), being a minority does have its benefits!

So the next time you think someone is lazy... don't bother thinking again... They are!

ChrisGoChina - Dumbing people down since 2006

What's left to ponder?

2007-06-02T06:39:00.001-07:00

"Facebook commercializes 24 million users: Sells special access to News Feeds"

Just to let all us facebookers know... "http://blogs.zdnet.com/micro-markets/?p=1484"

I'll let you ponder on this for a bit...

2007-06-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

"With permission of the priest, the family of an incurable sufferer might drop of large stone on his head."

I wonder what was 'classified' as a large stone.... did the church have 'large' stones ready for use on such an occasion? I'd hate to be the first person to be an incurable sufferer, while people drop 'large stones' until they find one big enough to take me down.

The wonder of some medieval church practices... If it were true, yeah I could cite the website, which doesn't provide a cite of itself, but just image for a second it was true, oh how funny it would be... how funny it would be.

WORST GOODBYE EVER!

2007-05-24T21:07:00.000-07:00

So I was just in Guilin for the past 4 days. No. It/s a lie. I mean, in LiuZhou and Yangshao, (I was in Guilin for 2 hours - had to change buses), to visit a long time friend. Wait wrong again. No. A friend I knew for a couple weeks last year but we just clicked; you know the 'potential boyfriend / girlfriend' click. Chemistry right? Yeah. So Alice if your reading this, don't tell Alice. Anyways its just a way to describe a friendship :). Back to the story. Yes. And Guilin is a beautiful place, lots of mountains... well not mountains more like hills, but exotic hills or even better oriental hills. Onces that make you think your the only foreigner for miles. Wait.. I was. So yeah had a great time then came the good bye. Came back to Liuzhou (the city my friend lives in right?) she came back a day earlier, when I come to her place as she is in a rush to pack, since my friend has to go to Shang Hai this saturday. So I realized that I probably don't want to take up anymore of her time since she is also visiting her parents. So after figuring out which bus to take to the train station so I can take a 15 hour ride back to Kunming, her father, she and I walk to the bus station so I can take a bus to the train station. Well as we approach the bus station, the bus just arrives at the stop. Worst possible time to say a proper goodbye. In a rush I shake her fathers hand and thank him for his hospitality... then I shake my friends hand and say.... *sigh*... "Nice to meet you".... She in typical chinese and proper english protocol said "Nice to meet you too" with a slightly confused look, but hey! Who the heck says "Nice to meet you?"

I'll tell you who, the chinese children in elementary school in their English Class, and that's all I could come up with. So endearing.... the banality of my life. I've been saying that to students all year now - so be prepared if my english has gone down a notch coming back.

Nice to meet you too!

I want to become a farmer,

2007-05-23T07:10:00.000-07:00

That is my next career goal and if I wasn't in this internet cafe needing to go to a bathroom at the moment I would explain to you why. More later...

The marked reciept scandal!

2007-05-13T08:56:00.000-07:00

It always came across as a strange supermarket practice to get my receipt marked with a pen mark, upon leaving the store. Was it another Chinese tracking mechanism (radioactive ink perhaps?) or just a simple way to give another one of the millions, no hundreds of millions of people in china a meaningful existence. If I for one had a work visa, ticking receipts of customers would be the very first thing that I would make sure to stay away from as a job. I do not have the qualifications. But unfortunately, as always, the secret reason for the check was revealed to me by another foreigner, continuing to prove the myth that I have yet to be able to think for myself (in logical and rational ways). He postulated that the real reason for marking the bill was to protect against would be thieves.

Here is how it works: The reason why they mark the bill is to prevent people from coming into the store with the bill(so they purchased the things on the bill already once before), picking up the items they bought that are on the bill and walk out of the store (without paying for their things) if they are stopped by one of the employee's they can claim that they have a bill that 'proves' they had just paid for it. In the confusion of a large supermarket such a scam might in fact work, and I encourage you readers from north america to try it out, and see if it does work as a proof of concept. If you are stopped just claim that you were participating in a 'proof of concept' explain the way you were going to try to rip them off, and then finish it off with a, "if you didn't catch me... then I would have told you that you have a security hole in your receipting system". Then offer your services to them by marking all the receipts with a pen after they are purchased.

Hey, Of course you can also check the date and time of the receipt... but that would be to much of a hassle.

Peace

If you haven't seen BS bingo and you work in an office

2007-04-27T11:11:00.000-07:00

Your life just got 7% better! Read on:

*Disclaimer - I didn't come up with this one - though it seems like something along the lines of my thought patterns...*

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) the next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
Synergy, strategic fit, core competencies, best practice, bottom line, revisit, expeditious, to tell you the truth (or "the truth is), 24/7, out of the loop, benchmark, value-added, proactive, win-win, think outside the box, fast track, result-driven, knowledge base, at the end of the day, touch base, mindset, client focus(ed), paradigm, game plan, leverage.

3. Now check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"
___

"Real Testimonials" from satisfied players, after the jump...

"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." - Adam W., Atlanta

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." - David T., Orlando

"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win." - Dan J., New York City

"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours. The Bullshit Bingo Championship will be played at the next meeting." - Rod H

Part 1 - Answers for Premarital Counseling questions -

2007-04-24T19:13:00.000-07:00

1. What are your expectations for premarital counseling?

a) To break up the engagement realizing that we were not meant for each other because of issues brought up such as ‘I caught my wife stealing my socks from the laundry hamper’ there by perpetuating the myth that washing machines use socks for fuel -
b) Failing option a) converting to a Radical form of Pastafarianism which involves being neurotically suspicious of anything that is not adorned with Pasta, clothing must be embroidered with a Primary school pasta art project that has been approved by the Chairman of the Presidium of the Supreme Council of the Estonian Resident Pasta Clerics Association.

2. What would you like to see accomplished during premarital counseling?

In spite of all the commitment and love that we show one another never to leave that we will agree to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. In which case – I would lose everything if we were to divorce.

3. If you were to describe your fiancé what would you say?

The most non loving person in the world would have their heart melt with her presence.
Hate, deceit, recklessness, and negligence are incapable of being even though up in her mind.
A plane crash worth of mourning parents, children and loved ones would be but a scratch of the sorrow I would feel if she left – eg. She is very important.

4. Describe your personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Full of hot steamy non-sexual passion.

5. If you had one passage from God’s Word that you would like your fiancé to incorporate into his/her life, what would it be?

Deuteronomy 25:11 – Never ever grab another man’s privates to give me an advantage in a fight. I’ll do the grabbing, you give him a swift kick to the head.

6. Describe your courtship – length, type. In what way will your courtship contribute to your marriage? Is there anything from your courtship that you would like to change after you’re married?

Length: Have you read the book War and Peace? I haven’t but I bet our courtship lasted the same amount of time as the fictional passage of time in the first 3 chapters.

Type: Heterosexual, which to this day I continue to question since my first menstruation 6 months ago.

Contribution: There were lawyers, lots of them, busy writing memo’s and stenciling blueprints of several undiscovered rectangular shapes for sandboxes – It was one litigation after another, eventually our case ran all the way up to the supreme court, where a football player judge and an alcoholic ex-brothel employee both agreed that courtship should not be settled in the court but rather in less stressful situations.
Changes: Cans will be crushed and not stacked into giant pyramids outside of our house to avoid anti-socials, brigands, and other ruthless wilders from ruining a otherwise perfect summer can stacking afternoon.

(to be continued)

Good news and Bad news

2007-04-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

So i've got good news, bad news, really bad news, awful news and horrific news.

Bad news: Tax returns hard to do from china, but I found an online program called quicktax that allowed me to plug in all my numbers and get it done. Back in march when I discovered it, it claimed if you earned less then $20,000 dollars, they wouldn't charge you $19.99 for the service, which is great cause I don't have a credit card at the moment, and I would have to hassle Alice to pay for me (being the mooch that I am) so I procrastinate, and on April 16 finally decide to do my taxes online. I finish everything up and as I click on the 'review button' it tells me that I owe them money, but I thought it was free. So I REREAD the website, and apparently its free PRIOR to april 2, 2007. Great... ALICE!! I NEED TO USE YOUR CREDIT CARD!

really bad news: Even worse still is the price went up to $24.99 cause they had another disclaimer that said if you used the program after April 15, they would increase the charge by another $5 dollars... This is NOT helping me show Alice that i'm responsible at ALL.

awful news: During the past week there was a 'water splashing festival' here, its where if your caught outside on the day, you'll be soaked with water, from water guns pails, buckets and anything that can contain water from. So I was highly anticipating this day, and of course cause i'm a foreigner EVERYONE has to aim for me. (They even drop water from apartment building balconies!!) Well I wanted to take some pictures of the celebration, so I brought my camera in a NONAME zip lock bag. Big mistake, halfway through the festival, I take out my camera to take more pictures and the BAG IS soaked. I waited till my camera dried but yeah its busted. You might remember my first Digital camera busted when I was holding it while playing some football with 2 mexican kids in mexico. So When Alice and I have kids... the first one will be accidentally dropped, and the second one will drown... Great I can feel 'brownie points' being scored as Alice reads this.

Horrific news: There really isn't any good news.

On another note all the students were up late tonight as there was some sort of a frenzy at their dorms, apparently they saw a ghost or something, and 2000 students run out of their dorms screaming all scared. There I come and all the boy's are in their underway so I tell them to: 穿裤子 (wear pants) as the commotion settles, kinda funny seeing their situation, I bet the ghost is also laughing at them... Muwhahahahaha

Has got 2 potiental Hot Dates! Don't tell Alice.

2007-04-22T09:23:00.000-07:00

But I must say the aura of my charisma continuously breaks all barriers and swoons the ladies. That's right, ssssssssh. Today 3pm on a college campus with friends a women with a vague recognition of me says hello. I struggled to remember how I know her, but it came back in a flash, she was one of the practicing teachers at our school in March and April. I didn't talk to her much then, and now since I realized she was graduating I thought hey, I probably won't see her again, but just for information sake I asked where she was from,(Most of the students at the college are not from the city its in), and it was a small town about 2 hours drive or so from here. The gears started moving and I just had to ask what her phone number was... yes that's right, I asked her for her number!!! How many of you girls have I asked for YOUR numbers huh? Most of the time I just pick it off of the phone book or www.canada411.com, but this time I was game, and I knew it, she could BARELY speak English, so I was bantering away in Chinese... obviously impressing her, so did I get her number? Heck YES! That's Numero uno.

The other number grab happened later that night, I mean today, later today. I was with some foreigner friends for a farewell dinner, since one was leaving this week. Apparently several people from other cities flew down to see him and his family off since they've been here for 10 years. Including another women from Hong Kong. Hong Kong? Well i've lived there for 2 months in the past year, we got loads to talk about! Find out that she's doing community development in the area helping out the villages using grass root techniques (no I'm not going to explain what that is- why? cause I don't know). Well I'm all keen on that kind of stuff so we talk and talk and talk for a good 5 minutes. Man I never talked so much in my life. But I knew this was the only opportunity i'd probably ever see her if I didn't put my Chri... charm (whoa that was a close one I ALMOST GAVE away my first name on my blog!!!) to action. And BAM, got her business card. I'm hotter the than a camp fire in an oven!

Bible secret SHOCKER!!!!! We got the wrong messiah !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-03-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

You thought end times were coming but we're all following the wrong person!

For those of you that want to know what her shirt says here is the transcript:

"JesUSAves" => USA => Jesus => Saves!

How in the world did we miss that???
Go USA!

Oh how I miss the days of.....

2007-03-19T09:59:00.000-07:00

Smelling my SANFORD Mr. Sketch (Scented) watercolor markers. Its been months since getting a whiff of my favorite Strawberry red, coco cola brown, lime green, and blueberry blue. I use to be able to reminisce of the flavors of North America through the smells and scents of markers. But alas, my sinuses becoming increasingly uncooperative and malign has staunchly vexed me from those aromatic scents of the west. I remember days when I would draw and color a bowl of fruit which would then be posted on my walls for weeks with the smell of fresh fruit embalming my domain. No more, cherry, no more lemon, oh how I misseth thee, thine scents divine. Recognize my pain, precious followers, readers, of news from the east. To Mr Sketch I say this: All hope is abandoned, I know, I know, its not your fault. Next time I won't take you for granted, I won't use you for selfish sniffing practices. I will colour within the lines!

Useful advice... show me please...

2007-03-13T08:26:00.000-07:00

So i've been sick, really sick, but not seriously sick. Its not a virus, bacteria, or habit. Its allergies... I haven't had them since I was in highschool but starting from mid-October when the school decided to build a new building to house labs and since then I had trouble with my sinuses. Especially the one that controls the airflow into my nose so its a pain to breath with my nose at times. At first I did't think it was really serious, and I still don't think it is, I didn't have any fevers, colds, coughs, flu like symptoms, the only thing was that my nasal sinuses kept on becoming inflamed, runny nose and uncontrolled sneezing that could launch a car about 50 meters. That's it. So yeah allergies most probable... real serious sickness no way. Now I had these allergies till end of January. What happened? I visited Hong Kong and the moment I was in a different environment it was gone. Wow that fast? Instant? Okay then I come back at the beginning of March, and on the second day I get the runny nose symptoms again and haven't been able to shake them off since. So now who would argue that I wasn't allergic to something here huh? I still love the place no doubt, but the environment makes me hesitant to stay longer in this place then my contract.

Now that you have the background, now for the humor, or sarcasm, take it as you please but no offense is intended. But people do say useless things all the time, in fact I think 9 out of every 10 of my posts are truly, remarkably, the most useless pieces of writing. ever.

Eventually the head English Teacher in the high school found out about me being sick after coming back, and we had a little chit chat. Something like this:

teacher "Hey Chris, I heard your feeling sick these days after coming back"

me "Yeah, that's right, but I know for sure that its something in the environment, I've got allergies.. " and go on to explain to him how I know.

teacher "oh, i'm sorry for that, hmmm well you know I think you should wear some warmer clothes"

me thinking in my head...." WHAT??? Its a BALMY 28 degrees at the moment during the middle of the day and nice 20 degree temperature at night when I sleep not including the insulation factor underneath my blankets."

me "yeah I'll think about that, thanks for the advice"

Silly me, I shouldn't be mocking him, maybe wearing thick sweaters and long johns will get rid of this allergy that I have. So just remember if you've got any illness or disease the first thing you should be doing is wearing warmer clothes, and as an added bonus for the next hour only, if you send out this piece of advice to 10 people you will be protected from getting sick for a year. For every friend that also sends it out to ten people you get another year of protection.

The students are interested AND THATS A PROBLEM???

2007-03-12T02:31:00.000-07:00

Well there are many ways to interpret events, if what someone does to you means they like you, the bible where it say to make sure your wife doesn't smack your opponents genitals when your fighting them, but this takes the cake....

She's a good teacher, she has the right heart and many of them here do. But sometimes the way they interpret classroom events are the complete opposite of what might be truly happening. So how do I know that i'm not the one that wrong? Well I had an activity where each of the students had a piece of paper with a word written on it, and they had a matching partner that they had to find, the details of the activity are really irrelevant. So the students are running about, arms flailing trying to find there match. There's a lot of noise... Good noise and probably bad noise but its fine, Look even the lazy students I mean the poorer students are going at it. So some of them find their match and some don't. As I talk with the teacher after class she mentions that during the activity many students are asking her what the words mean 'if they studied they would know', but the point is they were interested enough in the activity to ask. They wanted to find out, they wanted to learn, and well the comment that I get is that ...

'see the students are soo bad they should know these words and still they don't... I don't know what to do.'

Huh? What? yeah... but they liked it ..... right?

So don't think its okay to grab someones crotch BEFORE the fight with your husband and your husbands opponent started.

Whats the craziest thing your teacher told you do to in class?

2007-03-09T22:22:00.000-08:00

I told my students to stand up on their desks after they answered a question correctly. Why? I have no idea.... I just thought it would be funny when my supervisor comes walking by to see 10 students standing on their desks. Well I wasn't smart enough to have a reason for them standing on their desks before the lesson started, which would make me look really stupid in front of the students (what kind of crazy english teacher is this)... but I was lucky, I brought some flashcards, so then the students standing on the desks had a flashcard competition, the first one to give the right english answer got to sit down and so on. Now that was random but It really got the students into it. Just some tips for those teachers reading this and you can spare "You are da Man" and "Where are geniuses like you here in Canada" comments until I come back, I get enough of those here.

Flurry of broomstick devil children miscreants!

2007-03-07T19:06:00.000-08:00

Think of the most disgusting thing you've ever swept with a broom... you know, nail clippings, crusty dried food that should have been mopped, and that slice of pepperoni that happened to slip off the top of your pizza cause they didn't add enough cheese last Tuesday. Now i know what your going to say, they don't have pizza in China, true, they have instant dry noodles.

Each classroom has its own set of brooms, used everyday, to sweep anything and everything that is possible for them to pick up. The bottoms of the brooms are usually some flavor of black licorice.

I just happen to walk by the primary school one day(about 4 classrooms grade 1 to grade 4) cause I like to visit the young ones, I can be very friendly and no one will say a word. I would be classified as a suspect pedophile back in North America. Yeah that's smart tell everyone one on your blog that you a suspect pedophile. Just to be clear No, I am not. That would be bad, worse then eating that slice of pepperoni off the floor.

What do the students do when they see me? Riot! Swarm! Kick! Stare! I get swarmed like a dumbfounded quarterback receiving the football while gazing at the cheerleaders. Which is cool. Its cool to be swarmed. Makes you feel important. Then one little stinker pulls out a broom, and tap tap tap... What's that hitting the side of my head? Turning and looking I see the swarm laughing as one of them had the clever idea to take a broom and start shoving it in my face. So I take it from him, its over right? Nope... cause all of the sudden the classroom is full of flailing brooms, these aren't kids anymore but orcs. One by one I beat and usurp the brooms from the kiddies until my hands are full. I've got 5 freaken brooms here... how the heck is it possible they still have more??? Well so be it another 4 brooms appear out of nowhere and start flailing in my face, defeated, with an exit that is blocked by the flesh of hyperactive 8 year olds I squeeze my way through the defense tickling, pushing, and carrying anyone in my path.

So why didn't I yell "Don't make me force you eat that broom"? Well that's cause my chinese still isn't at dat kind of a level. Now, I can sympathize with those of you who'd been broom beaten for no good reason that seemed to be good. But don't you worry, a storm is coming boys and girl and you don't want to be their when it hits. No more Mr. suck up to the foreigner children, no more stealing my lunch money. You guys are toast, that's been burnt! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Wanna get high?

2007-03-01T19:31:00.000-08:00

Cause that's the students here are doing... okay maybe not high, the are at least smoking... I haven't caught them with pot or drugs yet. So its a really big problem here since yeah there is a legal age that one is allowed to smoke, and of course since when did students ever listen to such rules? Well anyways after classes finish in the evening at around 9:30 or so, most or all the teachers go back to their homes. There are hundreds of students still milling about.. from grade 7 to grade 9, and I like to chat with them and hang around them. Well its the time that i've noticed several smoking which I as a 'teacher' should do something about, so I go after then and put it out. But since they dno't see me as a real 'teacher' in the sense that I don't necessarily have punitive powers (nor do I want them) they like to goad me into chasing after them ... I do have fun doing that and no once I catch them I don't beat them down or send them to a higher authority. Though I do get to say things like... "Are you talking to me? You dno't want me to come after you do you?, A storm is coming and you don't want to be there when it does." Though I have started to see a pattern, (i've only done this twice so far) but a group of them call out to me and point to their other friend that 'he's smoking' and they pull out a but and start puffing on it... Glad I don't get any respect from those students - and so the hunt begins.. it doesn't last long. I'm quite fast, after I take out the but I tell them 'using hand motions' that if I catch them again they'll be getting in trouble again. But of course at that age.. gr 7 gr 8, they love to test your limits and i'm just doing this part of the job - fulling the role of the teacher - but next time they try to do it i'm gonna walk away just to throw them off... I'm sure they smoke in their off time but if me chasing after them gives them a rush and encourages them to smoke more in front of me then that doesn't help either.

From one thing follows another

2007-02-16T07:50:00.000-08:00

Need I say more?

Exploring Bathrooms

2007-01-31T22:49:00.000-08:00

Yes, I did have a very close call today in the bathroom. Though here in china privacy in bathrooms is not 'Always' assured but today I was lucky to find stalls. So I was a little tired, sick and absent minded and needed to do a little duty in the bathroom. Luckily there was one right outside of the classroom i was helping out with. I never been to it before since I was teaching at different school and I merrily headed on in. I noticed the stalls and I continue to press onward to my goal. I felt sorta strange cause there where only stalls in this bathroom and usually there is a urinal of some sort oh well, maybe the architects got lazy. Well as i'm doing the task at hand, I start thinking a little bit more about the bathroom. And recall that the day before that I used the bathroom on the first floor and IT DID HAVE a urinal. Which made me start to think why the heck would the designers forget to build one here on the second floor. Thinking thinking thinking... then it hit me but just then I hear someone come into the bathroom! I decide to hide in the stall until SHE leaves the bathroom. OKAY the characters were in CHINESE and the door was open so i didnt' pay particular attention to that. I ducked out before being caught as a creepy forienger teacher spying in Womens bathrooms. Let that be a lesson... of some sort for similar people like me.

Finally up and running

2007-01-11T22:27:00.000-08:00

Its been a while, but not because I've been slacking or living a horrendously mundane life in the past few weeks but rather cause the internet connection between Asia and North America was / still sorta is severed due to an earthquake that rocked and cut the fiberoptic cables (or for those of you who are less technically incline) the magic internet silly string just outside of tawain. Certain sites like blogger I haven't been able to log into for a couple weeks but now that I've been sucessful today you can sure bet that there will be more interesting things to come. Sorry nothing interesting happened to me today so you'll have to wait on that! Cheerio!

This week in short! Good bye 2006!

2006-12-31T08:00:00.000-08:00

Dec 23 – Christmas feast with English Teachers from school Lunch – Mahajoong – Dinner (Had some of the BEST Chinese food ever including Meatballs) Day summary: Glutton.

Dec 24 – Meet up with Apple (from our Fathers house) and some of her friends. Then had Christmas Eve dinner with some foreigners here including a team from Australia, had a western style Christmas Feast. Then went to our Fathers house to celebrate Christmas there with many students that I met at he college.

Dec 25 – Woke up in the morning to go to school! That’s right its not a holiday. I went to an Elementary school to host a 20 minute game show to 3000 students from Grade 1 to Grade 6. It was the biggest Christmas celebration I’ve been in.

Dec 26 – Received the Best Christmas present ever! Sorry argyle socks of 2003 you will be sorely missed. A bunch of friends put together the best of Christmas Cheer in a package and sent it. Toffee, Christmas lights, candy canes, Crazy Cards, and a CD how they put it all together were just a few of the items, not to mention Short bread men in Psilone form (from Battle Star Galactica!)

Dec 27 – Prepare like mad for a 20 minute show in front of 3000 students at my school. I was one of 30 separate talent shows preformed by students from my school. My show had 3 parts: First retell a Chinese fable, using a funky Chinese accent(Similar to the voices of Chinese eunuchs in Chinese movies) with some Grade 8 students. Then have a contest Canada Verses China, in 4 specific area’s. Who can kick a soccer ball the longest, who can drink a bottle of coke the fastest (mine was loaded with MENTOS… hehe) who can eat the most hotdogs blindfolded … Of course I was only blindfolded for the first little while hehe, then ran to the other guy to make funny faces at him. And who can hold a headstand the longest (of course I had 2 helpers so I won!) In fact I won all the contests cause I cheated, so obviously the lesson to the students is clear, Cheat to Win!
Finally I put together some of the finest Technotronic music and told several classes to run up to the stage when they heard it. Let’s just say it was one awesome event over the next.

Dec 28 – Did the show.

I was exhausted, frustrated, sick with a cold for the entire week, but somehow, I made it through. I like to thank that big guy in the sky for all reminding me that its him. Not me.

Thank goodness for bowel movements

2006-12-23T04:17:00.000-08:00

Otherwise I wouldn't have seen spectaclar metereo, or comet, or shooting star. Since I have to use the bathrooms on the school grounds some of which are father from the school then others, and I like to go to the farthest for the most privacy. It takes me through the football field. As I was coming out of the bathroom I noticed that the moon looked rather strange almost as if it were undergoing a lunar eclipse, but just at the same time I saw an object at the zenith, shooting across the sky. It wasn't a quick shooting start which happen in all but a flash, but rather I thought it was a rocket of some sort.. (and it may have been just that too) Its speed and luminostity was consistant for most of the time. It took about 10 seconds before it was out of view because of the horizen, not because it burned up. Really cool, so next time you need to go the bathroom, think about going outside rather than in, you could be watering or fertilizing to your grandma's backyard, and look then at the sky, you'll never know what you'll see! Or who you see you.

Notice all the grammar mistakes

2006-12-22T05:04:00.000-08:00

In my previous post. Must be the Chinese influence. I've been started to refer to males as she and females as he. I've also started to stop using the plural form. Chris Go China. I will drop all definite and indefinite ariticles on posts from now on. Lets see how works.

Why do I have little to say these past few days?

2006-12-22T04:46:00.000-08:00

Because i'm writing a Christimas Newsletter for you, well those of you that made it to my pretty execusive email list, hand picked and pruned every month to make sure only the finest quality friends know what i'm doing personnally and you won't have to worry about any word fudging cause of certain restrictions on what I can say here. I've got the grammar king working on it as we speak, so i'll send it as soon as I get teh grammar king seal of approval. Any guesses who the 'grammar king' might be?

Had an awesome day yesterday had two australians come for the whole day and see what my life is like at the school. Its so hard to put into words as you know I try really really hard on this blog. English corner rocked again! Too bad most of the austrilians will be leaving within the coming days. The few that i have become friends with will be staying till the second week of January. In the evening we when out to a cafe in town and well they asked for my testimony, after not being able to share something like that in full for like the past 1/2 year. I came out with the full version, guns blazing, blood letting, all details revealed. I probably will never do that again.

The night didn't come too soon enough as I experienced my second fever of my trip. Eitehr that or seizure, though i think it was a fever. It was welcome though since it has become rather cold here, even close to Thailand so it provided that extra warmth that allowed me to fall asleep. Feeling better today, so lets just hope for a no-peat tonight! Got to be open to eating lots of local foods tommorrow as the english teachers have invited me out for the whole day to eat lunch play mahajoong and then eat dinner.

OH I got a package for NA, thanks you guys! Love you lots! I didn't get it yet, cause the address it was sent to was not to my school but i'll be checking it out on sunday! I really really hope hope you got me optimus prime! I love that guy, oh and you did remember the prep-H right? You can't get that here in China.

So Christmas eve i'll be celebrating with the forieng workers here, and the Christmas day I get to celebrate with the number 1 elementary school! Yeeeehawww! Head are gonna be bopped and all hell 'll break loose! Best Christmas Expecations EVER!

Watched another Chinese movie at the theaters today

2006-12-19T09:18:00.000-08:00

Everybody dies... oops.. did i spoil it again?

I have just made the students love me 100 more times

2006-12-17T06:39:00.000-08:00

How?

By setting up some flashing Christmas lights on my window. I'm almost certain I won't get any work done now, they are just so dazzlingly hypnotic! Not to mention all teh attention it will draw by the students knocking on my window... *sigh* I love Christmas lights!

This week and next: Mayhem!

2006-12-17T04:06:00.000-08:00

All the funny and awkward moments of the week as slowly oozing out from my memory, a warning in advice to what might be a rather dull and bland post. But lets see what I can make out of the week in piecemail!

Saw: 5 people on a motor bike... That's pretty good, considering the super buses in africa which fit like 100 people on to the back of a giant truck people dangling from the front back and sides, and makes my record of 8 or 9 people ( I can't remember now, but I think it was 9) in my honda accord seem rather null. (hicup - geek term.. null)

Saw: Secular Jesus outside the super grocery store, christmas decorations up even fake Christmas trees, I love westernization! Just like home

Used: More violence in the classroom. You knew that one was coming, admit it, anyway after a kid nearly cracked his head open cause the stool he was sitting on just decided to disenterate into its basic parts gave me not only a chance to make fun of the situation but teach the words 'fat, clumsy, dope, ... okay... i'm lieing' to teach the word broken. Happy? Well and later on I used the seat as a shield while studetns with the legs of the chair attacked me, -protect- was the word.

I also noticed 3 pairs of students who were sitting on the laps of other students and it was only until teh end of class that i noticed that the reason why they were donig that was not because they were really close friends or were emotionally depended on eachother but because there were previously broken stools in the classroom and well they weren't replaced so they apparently have the motto: tighten you belts. (can't wait to see 3 students sitting on one chair.

Climbed: on top of rather high hill. Great view. When I have time i'll post pictures.

Today: Talking to a chinese friend of mine, I gently told him the 'use' of the FiretrUCK word. I knew he didn't completely understand the context of its use so he was using it rather often for things that didn't demand it if anything. So he equated it with a chinese word that I have heard and seen on children cartoons (for those who are Chinese literate: 可恶) that basically means "RATS" in english, or "O'darn" well anyways I think he'll be a little more careful using it if at all. *edit* whoa, it makes me seem like I taught him that word... *creak* the dark side in me becons...*muwahahahahaha* but unfortunatly or fortunately it was him. He started it! for serious! He was using the word in the strangest of contexts so, i'd prefer he'd know how 'strong' some people can take offense to it.

umm second thoughts about violence...

2006-12-12T06:59:00.000-08:00

So as I was teaching class today, (grade 8 equivalent) I'm walking down the aisles doing my crazy English teaching techniques with a kick here, and a hip bop there, and low and behold i see a knife that one of the students are playing around with, in their hand. The I give the word to the normal English teacher, hey I don't think its a good idea that he's got a knife... She just nods mindlessly and doesn't do anything about it. Okay, whatever, its not technically my class, he puts the knife back in his desk and I go back to ye old crazy teacher. I guess its a culture thing,cause in the states some schools have got metal detectors and such. Then again I see kids as young as 13 - 14 riding motorcycles with 2 to 4 of their buddies squeazed behind them, tally ho!

Then in the evening I had the most amazing English Corner with College aged students, which couldn't have happened if I didn't meet a team of 3 people from Austrailia.. (the Asians with freaken Austrailian Accents!) Anyways to get to the good part, the part your always dieing to hear, how is Chris gonna make this situatation hillarious or just outright weird, well as I came back to the school this evening I hear a 'hello' echo from one of the shops just outside the school, and yep its one of the 5 year old kids that i've gotten to know and love. Well I go to their shop and chat a little and play with their kid. Then I decide just out of helping him out to buy a sweet bun, some sort of sweet bread wrapped in a plastic bag of sorts. So I come home and start eating it, along with the imitation Nutella that i bought, one bite, two bites.. hey it tastes really good, especially with that Nutella stuff. I stop for a sec to put some dinner on the portable electric heating element. I come back and inspect the bread a little since it was at the bottem of the barrel at the store. I see some black ish green spots... MOLD? hmm I don't know cause there are brown spots all over the bread anyways since it has some red bean paste all over it. strange maybe i'll bite another part of the bread where there is no 'possible mold' then i see about 10 ants spring OUT of the bread from nowhere. Hmmmm, did I just eat 1/3 of the bread a moment ago? hmmm, I think I did... So lets just hope I dont' get too sick. But it tasted really good, so maybe mold and ants make a combination like peanutbutter and banana that noone would dare to try!?! Anyone else up for trying this combination?

What gives!?!I haven't posted in 6 days!

2006-12-10T07:17:00.000-08:00

well if you would subscribe to my premium pay per view site then maybe you would. Quick highlights of the week. I called someone 'Osaka 9'. I thought it was really cool. An austrialian asian, (looks asian but has austrialian accent - which is still freaking me out!) had a shirt with 'Osaka 9' written on it. I didn't know his name so I just called him Osaka 9, and he eventually responded when everyone in the room but him knew what was going on. Kinda of a crappy way to get a nick name but you know, I hope it sticks and if it doesn't stick on him, how about you refering to me as Osaka 9? I'll change my MSN nickname right now in real time (some of you may be partaking of this momentous occassion).

Quick note 2: Randomly thing. Walking down the street today I saw a women, and in my head quickly came the thought... hmmm I wonder if she's a tourist or if she's from here? I hear this deep grinding sound coming from her throat and then a plosive sound coming from her lips. Catching a glance of the saliva laden muscusiod sphere that just erudicated from her mouth, my question was answered. She's from here.
Suicide attempt thwarted..

Ms X (for the sake of confidentiality), an English teacher who came here in the summer for the 3 week English program started to call me. She hasnt called me many times in fact last night was only her second time. Slightly strange, though she only wanted to practice English with me, along with everyone else here. So it was a little bit of an annoyance at first since I’m already busy enough as it is; to have another person to talk to in English seemed like the last thing I needed at this point in time. Though I kept a steady heart, and talked with her.

Then last night she called me again, I wasnt doing much but trying to overcome a headache and a stuffed nose. All seemed fine when she told me her boyfriend of 3 years broke up with her. This was very strange her telling me this since I didn’t know her that well, and would think that she might have others whom she could tell, she then went on to tell me that she attempted to take her life the last weekend and ended up in a hospital. I wanted to help her to console her, but my mandarin and her English levels where not at a level that we could. So I asked her if it was okay if a friend of mine here could call her who can console her. She said it was.

So the next day at church I talked to a teacher from this school and another foreign worker about what happened. It was recommended that a local C call and she called Ms X right away but apparently it seemed that she was fine today and was over it.

Which leaves me feeling very suspicious. Why would she trust me so much with this information? Did it really happen or did she just want to tell me something like this? (I believe it did but still.) I don’t believe that she had truly gotten over her emotions with him yet, but perhaps this day it has. If she calls me again about it, I think I will recommend her to call the teacher.

Who said violence has no education value?

2006-12-04T19:10:00.000-08:00

So lets see, today I had one of the best classes ever, not cause they could understand English very well, or do what I asked them to. But because I was able to transform what would usually be a dry boring class (taught by the teacher - this is not meant as an insult, it is what I observed) into one that was exciting, where the students were asking for more English. A skill that would be wise to master. - Transform the classroom into a place of learning. So what were some of the secretes? using violence of course. Its one of the best ways to get there attention! Serious! Sure the police were called, and some students reprimanded but .. okay, just kidding, now I'm exaggerating too much he he. So Had to teach them the word dangerous right? Whats more dangerous then a English teacher handling a pair of razor sharp Damascus steel scissors?

Not only did I pretend to hit students, stab students, and threaten to cut their hair many times over, I also pretended to shoot several students... One of them in particular I shot over and over.

Great for teaching the words, unfair, solider, afraid, mistake, frustrating really! Sure some people might gawk at such a proclamation, but if the TV can teach children violence! So can I! Okay they were more like 15 - 16 year old's. But it was a blast! Afterwards the teacher came to me and told me, this is the way I want to teach, can you show me if you have time? (This is one of the first times a teacher asked for professional development right after a class, even SHE was excited!) I'm gonna have to show her the chainsaw game that I came up with. Hopefully the rack that I ordered will be finished by next week so I can use in the classroom... What's that? don't know what the meaning of 'mistake' is? well well!

After class I saw two kids playing underneath the ping pong tables probably 4 and 6, brother and sister. I hung around them a little, and then they started to say things to me I didn't' understand. And they bent over, with their butts facing me and pointed at them(there butts that is). I don't know if that's some sort of greeting that I haven't come across yet, but I'll be sure to use it the next time some emissaries come over to visit the school. I bet they will be quite surprised... Maybe they'll give me some award for it.

Still not finished yet, then as I was walking back to my room, another kid perhaps no more then 3 years old walking with his grandfather spotted me, and started running towards me. Sensing I was in danger I started to run away, but he caught up to me while running around the motorcycle several times knocked me over and started to beat me senseless... I'm lucky his grandfather was there just in time to stop the beating. The toddler must have known i was treating the students badly in class today with violence. He's wise to me, I better watch my back or you might not see me next year.

Watching

2006-12-04T19:06:00.000-08:00

6 hours of dragon ball Z can be quite draining... man, I have to be careful with that cartoony stuff. This unlimited access to chinese TV via the internet can be a dangerous thing. We all know dragon ball Z is one of the finest Japanese animated cartoons. It really set the bar... and when I mean set the bar, I mean even a baby could crawl over it. But its a great way to practice my listening skills. I wish I found it much earlier. Now I wasn't glued to my computer screen for the 6 hours, but it was much like background radiation, listening to teh chinese while working on other things. Really. Though when there was a fight of galactic proportions I can't just sit focused on lesson planning. Boom! Awesome, simply amazing! Go dragon ball Z Go!

Meaningful friendships

2006-11-30T08:24:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a teacher ask me for help as the usually do. This time though it was much more serious. I could tell she didn't have a good day and was concern for her students and for her job. She told me that her class that day was misbehaving terribly. Many of the males where talking, walking around the class, and causing disruptive behavior. She tried to control them and discipline them but she does not like to hit the students as some of the teachers do here. Tired, worn out, and out of ideas I could feel her stress crawling up my spine. I suggested swift action from the head teacher (each class has a head teacher who is responsible for the effective discipline of the class as well as the students dorms and any problems that the students have are run through the head teacher first) Apparently this head teacher doesn't do much in the way of being consistant with his discipline, only for his class, so his class is quiet, but the other teachers who teach his class are roudy. She was also concern for the marks that the students were getting in English, as you know how much you get paid and which classes you teach is based on marks. The leaders also look at you badly if your class is doing poorly as well. They seem to have a very poor perspective to WHY a class may be doing poorly and much blame comes on the teacher. Apparently the head teacher hits them if they do not finish the homework in his class. SO they use all their time and effort to finish HIS homework and they don't care about the other teachers homework which is a huge reason why they don't do very well in the other classes. Stressed as she was, she started to cry and I comforted her, I told her that its not her fault, there was nothing wrong with what you did, and not to take it personally. Remember what is important, your husband loves you, so does you son, and so does G (She is a C by the way), P to him in these time of need you have. He will comfort you.

As we were about to leave she said the oddest of things. She told me that she was sorry to WASTE my time. I told her, on the contrary, this is the exact purpose why I am here. To help you and all the teachers, to encourage you, and to support you. This is the whole purpose of why I am here. He sent me here, and I know why. This was not a waste.

Today she came to me and I asked her how her day went, she said it was much better, and she's not going to be as concerned with the marks as she will be for caring for the students. I think that is a step in the write direction. Change her perspective that the marks are the most valuable thing in the class. It is wrong, the student is the most valuable thing / person in the class. Love them, do not HIT them.

Truimph!

2006-11-27T07:15:00.000-08:00

Man verses the scissors, a struggle for thousands of years, or maybe only decades... behold the beauty and precision of my oh so wanning hair! How? did I find Alberto Giodanio to graft every single hair to my scalp? NO! But through cutting my hair myself! Haha! boo 'urns to you! I never have to see another barber in my life, that is of course IF my hands don't get blown off in a horrible tragic gasoline fighting accident. Sure, many of us never have to see barbers again once we loss all of our hair, but until that day, I have the ultimate power! Controling nature itself! This is unnatural! But true! Behold! Behold! Behold!

Note: All Faces and hands shown in all this pictures are the property of Chris, No one may copy or reproduce this images without his express writen consent.

The Crocodile Hunter is dead!!!!

2006-11-25T22:47:00.000-08:00

But its time to move one. So what did I do this weekend? Other then sleep to 11:30 on sunday ( hey I needed to catch up on sleep) Yesterday I went on the most fantastic cycling adventure ever... (well so far). I went with a friend up through the mountains to get to a town about 50 km away. I've cycled over 100 km before going from toronto to waterloo and back again. But this was something else. the town was elevated about 700 meters above where we started and let me tell you the first 28 km.. was hell. I thought I was going to die , but I knew when you go up you must come back down. It appears that we must of cycled up the mountain range over 1500 meters, to go back down the other side to the city, and then the way home was smooth sailing. My legs are killing me today yes, but that was something else. Here are some lovely pictures!

Above the clouds

Got to cycle to the city in the distance.

I almost discovered!

2006-11-22T18:37:00.000-08:00

The gender of that baby!(Will not post picture) Almost.... Its been plagueing me for weeks now. At first I assumed he was a boy, but he was always dressed a little feminine you know pink shoes, dresses, hair accessories. But I just thought that it was just a phase for the parents to experiment with the 'what if he was a girl question" which works best when the child isn't wise enough that your parents are trying it out. Now come 14-15-16, if your parents are purchasing you clothes for the opposite gender, I think your parents identities have the problem and not you. (Quick word of advice for those poor teenagers and I know your out there: Get out. Get out NOW! )

So after meeting the father and mother, they kept on referring to the child as a she, which confused me a little, but I thought it was the typical chinese pronoun mixup. But when they started talking to me about their 'only daughter' I had to change my perspective a little. Maybe she does look a little bit boyish but is a girl at heart.

So I almost found out the truth about it today. No I didn't spy on the baby when they were changing its dipers (and anyways he is o.. I mean she is old enough to go to the bathroom herself. So i saw her today playing near the basketball courts with another baby. I was a little absent minded and stopped paying attention to them after a while. Then I turn around and look, and there he.. or she is... going to the bathroom in the middle of the school grounds. But I was expecting her to squat if it was a girl... but she didn't. She was standing... and it LOOKED like it was streaming. Now I didn't get a good view, and by the time i looked she was almost done. And I was facing her backside so I could not make a clear identificaion.

Almost! ALMOST... this is one of the worlds greatest mysteries and I intend to find out before I go or else my life will not be complete! I just hope its really a girl.

Allergic to

2006-11-19T05:34:00.000-08:00

Building buildings? Sounds like a whistle blower to me, but anyways, they've been building a new building beside the one i'm in, and I just don't know what they mix in the concrete but it certainly smells like plutonium not that i've smelt it before, but the noxious orders have been wreaking havoc with my sinuses... (YES, finally got to use the word Havoc!) I don't know if I can live here much longer at this rate of not being able to sleep and waking up with a stuffed nose that lasts the entire day. 　I might be able to live with a teach in the city till the building is built though... trying to think of other options.

In other news, I got my own portable heating plate! Its great I just cooked Polish Perogies today for a bunch of Collage aged friends I have in the city, a nice change from the extremely hot and spicy food that I'm use to getting here (which I also have become quite accustom to)

Take a look at this DELICIOUSLY TASTY picture

2006-11-18T05:25:00.000-08:00

Upon closer inspection we find the clown figure resembles the Ronald Donald, but after asking the manager of the fast food burger joint he completely assuaged my fears telling me that his name was not the Ronald McDonald we know, but rather
RangDe MaKeDangNaDe or 让得马可当那得 in chinese characters. Phew, and I thought we had a case for trademark infrigdement here. I should have also realized EARLY that R McD, has a red white yellow colour scheme, not a BLUE white red colour scheme. Another thing that sticks out is RangDe MaKeDangNaDe's skirt. No way it could be an oversized pair of overalls... NO WAY! So China has gone a long way in fighting trademark infridgments! Kudo's to you China!

Evil twin?

PS. I do have a sneaking suspicion that RangDe MaKeDangNaDe, is actually R Mc D lost twin brother during the first artistic conception of the hero, many others were born but thrown into the fire, RangDe MaKeDangNaDe was safely stowed away in the pocket of one of the many Chinese artists working for a division of Disney. It was there he read the book Mein Kampft as Hittler had a profound influence on his life just look at that accurate portrail of the 'heil Hittler' arm action! After immigrating to China he worked as a short order cook having an talent for creating food that was so malnurishing even the starving kids in Africa thought twice about eating it. And that's where it started... Delicious.. Delicious food... Marketing is everything... So from that Delicious day forward, we now have a fast food change in china that rivals uhh, the mom and pop family restaurants around the globe.
Another unsolved mystery is the that here in China, RangDe has climbed to the pinnical of beauty with his exceptionally fair skin colour (Chinese view the lighter the skin colour the better) so much so that RangDe himself is so reflective that if put out in the sun long enough he would have the ablitity to reflect enough of the suns rays to outterspace to reverse the effects of global warming.

Wait.. Wait for it.. I'm getting. Getting an Idea. Thinking Thinking Thinking.. YES.. that's what we need! 1.3 billion Pale skinned chinese people to stand out in the sun long enough to reverse the effects of Global Warning! Warning.. they might get skin cancer.. doh! But they could act as a gigantic mirror if then all squashed into an area the size of Beijing. I think I should start a petition and a website "China, one people, one goal, one city - Imagine the dream. A world without Global warming. Imagine." Whoa..

I just had another wicked thought, and by wicked I mean bad, not awesome as most of you would have probably mistranslated.... If they all stood outside long enough, they could start another ICE AGE!" Dangerous! Nuts! More powerful then the atom bomb. okay its time to sleep Christopher.

Webbings

2006-11-18T04:42:00.000-08:00

And I thought whacking kids with an inflatable hammer was cool, I've found my latest craze, to find people to invite me to there Webbings! Did I say Wedding? No sir! I said Webbing, there is a really huge difference between the 2, about the same size that spans two iron atoms in a solid beam at 273 degrees Kelvin. I first discovered my error when I was invited to what I first thought was a wedding, but upon closer look at the invitation I was shocked to find THIS:

I had no way to interpret what was going on jumping quickly to irrational and illogic conclusions. Such as, thinking Spiderman would be the best man and as a prank would web the groom just before they tied the knot. Or perhaps it wasn't a ceremony at all, but a sacred ritual involving thousands of spiders and people getting webbed. (I wanted to turn and run away as far away from the webbing as possible. Maybe Chinese webbings are dreadful meetings in the night where victims are suffocated and asphyxiated though the WEB! Dun dun duuuuuuhhhh. *SCREEEEAAAAAAMMMMMMM*

Or perhaps they have a more accurate view of a 'wedding' but rather call it webbing, because one person is the victim and the other is the predator ready to suck the money and stuff out of the victim until they divorce (or one kills the other) at which point another webbing may occur.

To my most utmost disappointment it was neither of the above, but an ceremony that involved lots of food and people and about 30 minutes, at which point most people systematically left, resembling the mob hawk rush that is found at most places of business in north American between the hours of 5:00 pm and 5:30 pm.

So that's it, what I thought would be a profound insight to the inner workings of a people through thousands of years and countless webbings was just a mere custom that resembled the small span of time just before the rush hour traffic.

This Issue: Pomeloes, Expelling students

2006-11-13T06:46:00.000-08:00

Have you ever worked in an office where there was that one kind, old, kookie lady who you would leave some timbits, chocolates, or tirimisue in the kitchen for you hard working peons to unworthily munch on? Well I have, right here right now.
But the chinese are still experiementing with chocolate... their at a stadge where it doesn't taste like the rotting hide of a steer halfway between beef jerky and leather. Lets just say it tastes like butter, that is brown. My brain is too clever to be tricked by such a 'placebo' effect. So anyways, here they don't leave it on the table, they hand it straight to you. Futhermore, their aren't timbits, or tirimisu or chocolate that worthly of the name, but there are pomeloes! Tons of them! Fists full! No miniscule tangerine is the mighty pomelo! standing a hefty 30 cm high, with a similar diameter, they are sure to impress the ladies. Pocket sized fruit are for dorks, now when you come in to your workplace with that rugsack full of pomeloes your sure to be stomping heads and making a statement your co-workers will never forget. Its so big, its hard to even start to peel it. You've got to be committed, even more commited the marriage. Cause once your start, you've got at least a 5 course meal coming Pomelo style! Can't finish? Hand a gargantuan piece to the first person you see. Pay it forward! Its not my problem. A word of caution if you think tossing it in the garbage is a good idea. Its not. You'll get every enviromental nature loving tree hugging, ferret pet owning freak on your case from here to toleto. It is its own eniroment. Behold the Pomelo! Worship the Pomelo! All hail Pomelo!

Now to be serious.

You think Expelling students in NA was easy? All they had to do was bring a weapon to class, or pure sugar in a teachers gasoline tank, or beat the crap out of someone, up to 3 times before something goes down. But here... well a student doen't go to class? Expell him! Well that's a little oversimplification of what happened the other week. I walked into a teachers dorm where one of my good english teacher friends was talking to 2 unsually not happy students. Apparently they have skipped class over and over to an extend where he was ready to send them out, Leave them on the street, hand over their education to the dogs... or in other words expell them. No review, no need to tell the principal, its a teachers decision. You don't like that student? BAM he's gone... Well luckly I got there when I did, cause he asked me what I would do, and well you know me, I like to give mercy, I said if it were me and the student did something worthy of expelling, I would 'suspend them for a shorter period, with them having the opportunity of coming back. ( I mean I'd rather not expell/suspend them in the first place, but seeing where the possible outcomes of this situation would be, I went with the former. ) I talked with him today, to find out that he did reduce their sentence from them never being able to come back, to 'come back in a month'. Phew...

Teacher Expelling student…
Webbings

Oh forgot to add,

2006-11-10T07:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes if you don't P for a long time, you really have to go, and you feel really bad, but once you P after that dry spell, you will feel relief as you never have before. After such a P, you may cry, or learn something new, or even your whole world view might change (if it did, I would have like to been their to see it) So remember for a healthy body, you should P at least two or three times a day.

Hope your P'ing for me

2006-11-09T22:19:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of me that LOOKS like Pee'ed in my pants.. (I played Football a bit to hard / much that day, and the sweat gathered in the groin area just a little too much) No wonder teh students were laughing at me...)

Cause p'ing is an important function of the body. Without P there would be no way I would have the courage to stay here. YOu know I'm p'ing for you back home, athough it may be a lnog way off, I'm sure my P will reach you. You know I'm been P'ing a lot lately over many things. I P all over my friends here, and back home in Canada, I also P over material things that I have and also that I don't have but may be other peoples things. They don't mind if I P over them, In fact one time, I asked one of the teachers If I can P for them. There were kinda surprised, since no one has ever P'ed for them before, but they gladly accepted it. I P'ed over his wife's Father who was in Bad condition. But as you know, sometimes P'ing does not work.

I would usually recommand P'ing at least once a day, usually when you need to P you should. Its the best time to P, unlike times you are forced to P, which can be very difficutl. In fact if you can P for an entire day, or even longer, you would be my hearo. Remember, JC P'ed many times over long periods, and if he P's we should P too.Of course He P'ed alone in the mountains so he could not Boost about the Amount of P that he made or had done. So becareful how you P, cause some people will not want you to P over them, so do so in secret. (eg. Do not tell them you are p'ing all over them.

Pictures galore

2006-11-08T19:54:00.000-08:00

typical MSN conversation with Alice

2006-11-07T08:22:00.000-08:00

Chris: though, with the many different experiences i'm getting here at the school, I feel like more of a consultant then a teacher and I'd probably rather do that in the future. I have continually told the teachers, i'm there for them, not the students. I can't help 3000 students very well, but i can help 25 teacher.

Alice 说:
very true.
kind of like, dont' give hte man a fish, teach them to fish instead

Chris：
but instead of fish, i give them inflatable hammers... so instead of me wacking on kid at a time... 25 teachers can wack their kids at the same time...
some how I don't think I can draw that analogy from yours...

Chris：Cell phone found!!！说:
but i like it

Do you know what to do with

2006-11-07T04:45:00.000-08:00

180 students in Grade 3? Apparently I offered to teach in a elementary school tommorrow where they will shove me and 180 in a lecture hall for about an hour. Any idea's would really help :)

As for treating people to lunch... its what I love to do here. A forienger from Holland came to check out the school just for kicks. So she saw me teach some classes as well as the school and what it's about. Then I invited her to lunch, on me. You know ever since I've been in China people have been inviting me to lunch and taking the bill well today I showed them, I did the same! and it cost me about 5 rmb or 60 cents Canadian for lunch too. A heavy hit, but I think I can stomach it.

Enough already?

2006-11-04T07:53:00.000-08:00

Well as you know to go to another country/culture can be mentally and emotionally straining since all the things you know and are use to back home disappear. So bare with me in these next few paragraphs while I try to figure out my thoughts about certain things that I have come to face these few months. (One may say that I may be experiencing culture shock, after you read this, and perhaps it is true, but I think not (on the basis that I still love being here, teaching, learning the language, learning how to cook, making tons of new friends (just these past 3 days) etc) so I think there are just a few things that kinda erk me, and I also think its because I am 'a special' guest at their school so they treat me as such... At the same time, I realize and know by accepting this job, at this school living there, this is what would happen... soo I think sometimes they go too far to pamper me.. and I mean certain individuals. Secondly, there is just something with the ... ummm orc's that they keep nagging at me at, and well I'm starting to get fed up! hehe.

Okay, first off... when you invite me to dinner at a restaurant, please please DON"T take the food from the dishes and put them IN my bowl okay, I’m not a baby! NONONONO!!! you do that with your kids, but as adults if you want someone to try something, try saying... " you should try this, its a specialty", or some other polite saying. And this is not part of the culture cause I don't see people putting food in other peoples dishes (you have to be observant to be a teacher). So I told the guy today at dinner today, after he put a chicken thigh on my plate, that "I can get things myself, thank you", and I hope he gets the message, its about time I stand up for myself.

Secondly, well it happened again, and I had to go today, but here is the situation: Today is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday. My Saturday is free, so I’m thinking of relaxing from a long hard week of teaching. Now 8 PM comes around Friday night, when the principal comes along and says... oh, by the way, your coming with us tomorrow right? to the village? Huh? what can i say, I didn't have any real plans' though I did want to take the day off to rest, since I’ve been down with small colds and such often. I don’t' want to say no without a good reason, and no need to say no... cause here I know if you don't follow the officials then they may start not to like you.

Thirdly, Drinking. Fine, I’ll drink for you, cheers, yuppee! That is what they do every dinner, no I don't really like to drink, not because its wrong, or some book tells me not too, I just don't, I hate the taste of beer, and well the other choice is something that tastes like umm lets just say its really strong. Now out of respect, I do want to join them, and have a good time, so I will drink some，but please don’t peer pressure me. Well so this time, and so on, I may just add some coke to my spirits. I have enjoyed rum and coke back home, and mixing the two here has them almost taste the same. Now of course when they see coke in the cup they are suspicious, and they think its just coke, but I tell them there is some spirits inside, are you happy? well anyways, when I mixed the drinks they reaction was the same as if I were mixing Hydrochloric acid with sodium (really bad chemical explosion) so opps.. cultural mistake numero uno! I told them this is what I do in Canada, and they told me that we aren't in Canada... but then I told them, oh look here, look at this.. coke... its not Chinese! why is it here? Well that stopped the conversation, but I don't mind it with coke (more then I said in previous dinners). I have mentioned to them that I don’t really like to drink soooooo they should at least respect that. You can (as a foreigner) participate in as many cultural activities as you like.. but as a foreigner you should be able to refuse if its too uncomfortable... like those skinny dipping contests I hear all about in India. So please please please, I love your people, food and culture, language, I love you. But respect me too. Don't use me, don't abuse me, learn from me. Phew.. sorry for the rant.

PS: no worries with the wrong people reading this: I'm lucky my blog is blocked in China... I can post... I just can't read it, very strange but it has its benefits.

Do I have some time to talk about some good things now?

Talent show, yeah, yesterday all the students in the middle and high school got to watch some of their fellow classmates sing. It was awesome, my first real concert! It is something else when you have 3000 people staring at you singing. Well just for fun, in my classical Chris way, I decided to go on the stage while one of the male students were singing, gave him a hug, blew him a kiss and handed him a rose. I knew ALL the students would love that, so I gave it to them. I love the students!

Movie night with students superman!
I watched the return of superman the movie with the students tonight, after going for the entire day with the leaders of the school and some teachers to a restaurant and village. But for some reason, I loved this sooo much more then the restaurant. The movie was good, but I just like seeing the students, and they just love to see me hehehe. (on a side note) unlike North America movies go from the big screen to DVD in about 2 weeks… not like the 2 to 5 month wait in NA 

Teaching College students
Last three days got to go into the city to teach college students. I thought it would be difficult. I loved it, its nice to meet people university aged and older especially here. So I taught some of the college English teachers classes and I also taught the college teachers. I just find it so amazing that I can actually teach people who have taught English for more then 5 to 10 years…. And they find it edifying.. Where did I get this gift? How would I ever figure this out if I stayed in Canada??? Just another reason why I love China! And I got to meet a law teacher and her brother who are both from Beijing! You know what that means???? STANDERD MANDERIN ACCENT! I’ll be in touch with them!

The Truth comes out! Lord of the rings style!

2006-10-30T02:27:00.000-08:00

Went to lunch with on of the C teachers at my school and another friend from C. Anyways we started talking about teaching (since all of us were in the mind of teaching English) surprise surprise, when she started telling me of the different relationships and power struggles with the leadership and the teachers in the school. I knew it was there, but I just didn't know if I would get a chance to know about it. So here's the dirt! Gossip galore! Don't turn off your computer now if you want to know who slept with...

okay, so got to be careful here, hmm let me see. okay, i'm going to use some lord of the rings terminology... eg : orc's, elves, minas tirith, dungeons, pipe smoking contset, they each stand for something here. I think your smart enough to figure it out by the context, but msg me if you still have trouble.

So apparently the orc's hire elves through a really slick hiring processes. Basically, the whiter your complexion and the more attractive you are... the better the chances of you getting in... (TO Minas Tirith...) just what we need attractive teachers to help the pubescent hobbit males to learn about pipesmoking& all.

If the orc's don't like you, they can't fire you.. but they can put you in a dungeon with very unruly hobbits. The hobbits that didn't do well on their pipe smoking contests. So Frodo*(can you guess who frodo is?) learned a bit more about Minas Tirith, the hobbits in the dungeons are segreated based on how well they did smoking their pipes. The bunch the best hobbits together, the ones in the middle, and the ones who didn't do very well in separate dungeons. And well you may already know, Frodo dislike this system of segreation... there are benefits Frodo knows, but still...

So here is the catch... if the orc's like you then they put you in a dungeon with hobbits that have done well, and if they don't then you know which dungeon they will put you in.

There is a saying, if you can't lie you can't be an orc, if you can't drink you can't be an orc either. Now its funny cause I discovered the orc's don't particularly like one of the best elves here and I don't understand it. the Elf does a great job, uses many different techniques, and is one of the few who actually cares for the hobbits (by her actions vs other elves) and yet the Elf isn't liked.

Then there is another Elf, who looks after frodo... Anyways, to my surprise, the orc's like this elf, but the other elves do not, because they think the elf is a tratior or something. Such are the political entanglements with orc's and elves.. they never really liked eachother in the first place, but intrestingly enough.. to be an orc, you must first have been be an elf... (just as in Lord of the Rings... if you know the story, the orc's were demented mutilations of elves)

Well enough about elves and orc's.. Frodo's mission is just too important!

Back to coherence

2006-10-30T02:15:00.000-08:00

If it were possible for me, I would have done it a long time ago. I think I finnaly got over the bug/virus that has been plagueing me for the past 4 days (since last wednesday). Last night was probably the worse of it, not cause I was vomiting my guts or pole-axed by a headache, but cause my nose was stuffed, and I mean stuffed, inflammed, whatever you call it. So apart gasping for breath I was fine. Doesn't go well when you want to sleep. But I cancelled all my classes today and rested, so now i have full nostril vacumming functionality. I'm still tired cause of the lack of sleep, but I hope i'm on the upswing.

Though this scenerio has made me think that perhaps I'm allergic to something in this place, I do have a kitten (who is not doing so well cause he jumped off a table that was too high and hurt his shoulder.. and I think, i'm not sure, but he dislocated his left shoulder, so he is really unable to move.) So I have to move him to eat, go to the bathroom and sleep. I feel like I'm a occupational therapist. (So my liason got me some antihistamies... but he told me that the cat has to go.... now if he's causing me these aleregy type symptoms, I won't last being unable to sleep at night. but still where / who am I going to give a lame cat too? (note lame in the sense he can't move very well, vs the lame of being dull and boring.) I'll see if I can find a place at the school where I can feed him and check up on him in peace.

Its a beautiful thing

2006-10-29T07:02:00.000-08:00

when you can sit in your room at the end of October with the windows open in your underware without feeling cold. (curtains are drawn, serious!)

Not just noodles

2006-10-29T01:55:00.000-08:00

Where are you when I need you! Please! Open a store here! Noodles noodles everywhere, noodles noodles in my hair, get them out, thick and thin before I burn them in a firey hill. (And you thought China was the capital of Rice city huh?) I never thought they could possibly make sooo many different flavours of instant noodles (maybe 3 or 4 pushing it) but they've got at least 20 in the market. Every morning what do I eat? Courageous Captian Cruch? Chocolaty Count Choucula? Cheerios? Nope, they haven't heard of the Cereal industry here, its all noodles, which is why they should open a restaurant called 'Not just noodles' for those of you who don't know, No Just noodles is a Fake Chinese Restaurant located at the intersection of Yonge and Weseley St, Downtown Toronto.

As you may already know, down here, motorbikes are the ride of choice, and of course that means many teachers have already had me ride theirs. I don't have a fav yet, and I'm sorry for you bike fanatics out there, i dont' know what you see in them. But anyways the safty standards here are uhhh, how do you say very overrated? Half the time I don't ride with a helmet. So yesterday, hilariously enough, I went into the city on a motorbike with a teacher, as you may suspect I was helmetless as she didn't have an extra helmet. After the 15 minute ride into the city (where we were to have lunch in) she stops at her house and quickly runs in. A little while later she comes out carrying a what? a helmet! Great, at least for the ride in the city I will much safer if something happens right? Nope, she hands me one without a strap, as I put it on, part of me want to just ask her... So how is this going to protect me when we go flying off the bike after hitting that car? Well, I kept quiet, and accepted her wishful thinking. Well at least there is one good think that came out of it, at least I looked like a dork, in that yellow construction hat of a helmet.

Delusional feverish rant... (had a small fever lastnight and tonight)

2006-10-25T22:19:00.000-07:00

So some students got bopped today, "not the bebop and rocksteady" chemical bro's bop, with the hammer. we lost 4 of the students this morning when they had to be removed from class after suffering severe concusions. Yep, promoting violence with a correctly answered english question is just some of teh side effects of my teaching methods. But I fear when I am gone the bopping may stop, or subsist on a level such that it is barely remembered or honoured. Its so sad to know now, that this might be the last chance students may ever recieve the bopping of a lifetime. So my solution? Bop now and talk later. Next week i'm gonna try it out with nunchuks.

(On a side note,)Hmm I think nunchucks would be a good prize to give out during an English corner English contest .

As for my room its still as dry as a dessert, lucky to the drain in my bathroom. Some of you might remember my toliet does not have running water, so I ahve to fill a pail up with water, and the douce the toilet. (Which allows for doing only number 1, and sometimes.. if lucky, a watery number 2.) Well after doing my business this morning, I started to fill the pail with water from a shower head. Well it takes several minutes to fill, so I'm not going to sit there and wait, I go back into my room to prep for classes. So I did that, and left the room with the water running. *Gasp*, so hence I am very much appreciative of the drain in my bathroom. Otherwise this is the SECOND time I would have flooded my room.

I also had a really cool idea for running a school, particularly in the assessment of students achievement on tests. There would be a completely new grading system, which would be designated as follows: On a test of perhaps 50 or so questions, if one would get one question wrong, they would be graded as 'stupid' and serious attention would have to be exerted on the student for them to improve. Now if they got 2 questions wrong, well .. hmmm, they would be what I would call a BH. or beyond and hope. There is no reason why I should keep such a student with such low grades and motivation. 3 or more wrong... captital punishment, well hence it would only work in the states and other captital punishment abiding states. But if they got perfect, on every test they would recieve a 'not too bad' stamp of approval on their certificate. Why waste valuable ink and space on a degree or diploma with "honours? or bachelor?". Of course with this system I fear that not very many students would suceed, so in order to pay the bills and live a luxurious lifestyle, I would have to charge exorbiantly high prices. The few that make it, will know for the rest of their life, that they are 'not half bad'. Any more delusional ideas?

Oh I was thinking of naming the English club I started here yesterday, "The club for students who want to read english good, and do other things good too"

So what am I doing now?

2006-10-24T04:53:00.000-07:00

Listening to the block rocking bleats of phatasmalcratic techno enriched music. baba beduba baba beduba baba beduba baba beduba .... some of the most diverse and replayable music I can ever recommend!

So... Do you want nunchuks! Don't be timid! I know you do, whell. ehemm, for only 30 kuai, which is about 4 dollars equivalent you can get your own bruise kabobing, leg breaking, look at me using my nunchuks mama crazy sticks. Just look at these things! Yeah, two sticks and a chain, what a wonderful invention.

There is only one thing that's cooler then two sticks and a chain, and that would have to be a frame of a chair and a seat from a toliet... yes, presenting the poopanywhere chair, brought to you by the same people who gave you PC anywhere. After the sucess of PCanywhere, the management wanted to look into other potiental 'anywhere activities. It was durring the jalapano eating contest that the idea first took flight, there just weren't enough Portapoties to go around, if only there was a more portable fecal removal system. Well our ingenious design gives the user of the chair complete confidentiality of the duality of the chair, as a seat and a bathroom all in one. Once seated your ready to roll out, Great for parks, offices, and stadiums that don't have enough seating. Best of all, you can just drop it and forget it. No clean up required. (Warning noxious odors from the vicinity of the chair may cause nausea) Just pick it up and go somewhere else.

Our patented Toliet seat hindged on frame of seat technology guarentees 5000+ uses!
Toliet paper not included.

The many faces of Chris (with a fowhawk!?!)

2006-10-23T04:25:00.000-07:00

Magnum!
In your face giddy
Stupified by others stupitity
Meh!
Ready to cause some Mayhem

So... what about a date?
Jarred
Heeerrrreeee'sss Chrissy!
Ha ha ha... that was sooo funny... uhhh What was it you said again?

So I got a little carried away... Do I see self obsession or what?

HUGE ERROR

2006-10-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

I reread one of my previous posts and realized I have made a most heinous error. A couple posts ago I was talking to... dead people (no no no I mean about dead people), kids peeing on my pants and so on, and I quoted that my day was

"MORE mundane then watching Gone with the Wind"

I stand corrected, what I ment to say was

"Almost but not more mundane then Watching Gone with the Wind"

I'd rather fall into boiling lava, be hit by a 2000lbs rock, or sky dive into a herd of porcupines without a parachute then watch Gone with the Wind.

More pictures

2006-10-19T19:42:00.000-07:00

Morning exercises for all the students. Sucks to be them! Teachers are exempt!

Mess Hall Mayhem! 3000 students fighting for 50 different bowls in one hour. Mayhem! (I like using that word)

My life in Pictures

2006-10-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Some of the events portrayed in these cartoons may not be entirely accurate.
But it is must faster to do this to clean a smelly cat then otherwise (hence less stress for the cat) really!

Soooooo today

2006-10-17T06:59:00.000-07:00

All my classes were cancelled, a kid pissed on my pants, and I saw a dead guy.

Other then that, it was quite uneventful, nauseatingly boring, and more mundane then watching Gone with the wind.

How do you teach the word serious?

2006-10-15T06:25:00.000-07:00

Like this :)

So I might have crossed over some lines with 'appropriate teaching material' but I think it really does convey the essence of the meaning of serious. I mean who in their right mind would think that a sword sticking out out a persons knee is not serious? I just don't know if I drew enough blood... Now I can only hope that one of these days that I can hear my students yelling 'serious! serious!' only to find that there was a horrible car accident on the road.

I also went to a botanical garden this weekend.. (did I mention I also went to one last weekend.. and the weekend before? (all different) They really do like their 'botanical gardens'. So instead of showing you some pictures of the amazing and rare plants as well as scenic and breathtaking vistas, I present to you a picture of the vice principal... if you look closely at his shirt you will notice... yep he is a playboy fanatic.

(Playboy is a huge popular label here in China ~ I don't know if they know what ummm Playboy's other multi-billion dollar industry does....)

Finally for those who are queasy of insects and bugs alike, I give you the plate of larva supreme, freshly fried (they say its crispy but I would beg to differ) now did I eat any? Well I'll keep you in suspense.

Finally on more of a toilet humour note, (what you think I'm going to say something sentimental or something? This is Chris we're talking about) I realized the difference between a 'papaya and a passion fruit' passion fruit is one of the most sweetest and wonderful juice making from flesh fruit there is. Yum. Papaya is a huge ugly 'smelling like its going rotten (even if its just ripe) *crap* ohhh... I can use the word crap can I?' donker of a fruit. It reminds me of parmesan (excuse the spelling) cheese, which smells like it came from someones cistern, unfortunately unlike parmesan cheese, papaya tastes as it smells. And how can anyone refuse fruit that is bought for them from your supervising teacher?

Crazy Week

2006-10-11T05:09:00.000-07:00

Let me explain, I had to go to the city for 3 days to help co-host and organize a primary school teacher conference for about 120 primary school teachers that teach in the villiages. Talk about responsibility... my supervisor thought I did a great job but its quite tough when your only given 2 days to prepare and even then I only met the teaching assisstants the night before the conference and had to give them tips on how to teach the material.

So anyways I find it hillarious and unbelieveable that my job was to assess these teachers who have been teaching from anywhere from 5 to 15 years.... Yeah, and me? how many years of experience do I have? That's right 0... oh this is my first year (anyone scared yet what I taught the teachers ? hehehe mwhahahmwwahahahawhahawahwa!

Well that being said they have much difficulty in teaching a language, and well I don't know why but it seems as if I am quite gifted in this field so in the end I think it evens the playing field... Strange no?

Mind you as luck would have it it was held in an elementary school. Which ment that I would be able to hang around and interact with the younger kids. I really like the younger grades, they just adored me. Every time I went into their class room there would be rooting and cheering for all. They tried to tackle me several times while I had to hand out my autograph. Some of them figured out if they said 'da' (which mean's big in Chinese)(not like the english ebonics 'da' which means the, but is cool. like I'm da king.) I would write a page sized autograph. It makes me sometimes wish I got to teach those kids.

Funny thing though, one of the teachers brough an inflatable hammer (made of plastic) so I went around bopping kids with the hammer, one would think that the kids would try to avoid the hammer, but no, the all wanted to be bopped... So I bopped them all, and em some. So watch out when you bop, cause you might not be allowed to stop.. hahahaha.. funny.

And best of all, as some of you may have known of my Nintendo DS, and my search for nintendo games has ended, I have found a shop that carries many! Beside the elementary school where they could get all the kids hooked! And to my surprise the games only go for $3 to $5 dollars a piece :) *grin* :) ... so I got the old super mario 4 on SNES, and Legend of Zelda a link to the past, awesome classics! Whooo hooo!! Last place I would have looked!

Well on a not so happy or funny note, there has been much rain falling here, 4 days straight, and well that has ravaged the countryside very close to teh school here. Fields have flooded crops lost and I'm sure there have been some casualities, it was unfortunate and if it wasn't for the highway that was build higher then the land I would not have been able to come back to the school for some time. Its really somethting else to be in the middle of a natural disaster, and the school and city is really lucky that not more rain fell as they were spared. Here are some of the pictures of devestastion.

Before I forget,

2006-10-05T07:19:00.000-07:00

I have a kitten! Found him or her at the school today, probably a couple days old, washed him up and now he's sleeping snuggly in a box. Any tips to raise kittens?

The last 3 days can be summed up with this:

2006-10-05T06:58:00.000-07:00

I didn't have to squat... If your wondering what I mean just think about paper that's rolled in bunches (2 ply is usually the best)

Other then that I went on a 5 hour mountainous drive through the mountains to another village and stayed there for several days.

The students

2006-10-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

What kind of diabolical computer is this? It will not allow me to copy and paste... i'm useless with out CRT-C and CRT-V.. ahhh.. okay anyways to understand the pictures read below... :)

are gone, this week is called 'National Holiday' for I do not have a better word to explain it (they just keep telling me its National Holiday) and I just go along with it. Well the school is empty, literally, not a single student within a birds eye view. And as you may know, the student dorms are empty. Its such a different place when there are 3000 bodies missing and I can actually hear the birds and the wind again. Don't get me wrong, I love the students but its nice to have a break like this and reflect. I'm the only one on the soccer field playing soccer. I'm the only one in the bathroom doing my business (and its good too cause the bathroom stalls don't have any screens or doors).

It made me think, how much this place means to me, how much I have enjoyed teaching here, and been offered kindness and help. The hello's and giggles of the students, I already miss it. The airport to the city is right beside the school (luckly its not a big city so airplanes don't come very frequently) but every time I hear one i sometimes think that's one less flight I have to wait for till I have to go. But that is seeing the glass half empty. When in reality its a blessing for me to be able to stay and miss that flight, every flight is a reminder to keep this experience and make the best of it, to look and help others, and to be helped. To lookpast the cultural frustations and language barriers. I love this place.

Oh and with all my spare time I made 3 new friends... literally: Jenn, Frank and Jason(the mean looking one) quite by accident too. They are a little fruity but anyways...

Today Frank was drawing a picture minding his own business, when Jason came along and asked to make some changes to it... 'uh-oh'. Well As you can see Jason made some changes alright. Moral of the story. Don't give Jason your markers!

Chinese weddings

2006-10-01T06:50:00.000-07:00

are the most frivolous affairs, never have I been to one before, but I was casually invited by one of my English Teachers Cheng Zhi.. or as you know him Scott. Well first off you don't need invitations, which I was glad, and as a forienger I guess I can consider my skin colour VIP quaility. Anyways the whole sindig takes about an hour, you eat dinner at some huge banquet hall/hotel/restaurant in the mean time the bride walks from table to table greating all their guests and of course at each table the couple recieves gifts (to pay for the affair). Now they do not get it for free, oh no, they have to do something at each table (and with 50 tables that is quite a task. Usually its drink a glass of bear.. well okay beer, or wine or hard liquor, but at some tables they are not so kind. They dump some rice, and pork, not to mention some fish and other items non congruent to the drinking kind into the glass(At those tables one can extrapolate a very poor and deprived childhood). A catch-22 indeed, if the couple does not drink they do not recieve the gifts... Hmm something to rememeber NOT to do at my wedding :).

I made tea using 6 pounds of tea leaves

2006-09-28T20:46:00.000-07:00

and ants. So the tea in china comes in 'cakes' a cylindrical dish shaped object made of tea. You can stack several together and wrap them up which makes a lovely gift for anyones Birthday, anniversary, or welcome present. I was given a 6 pound stack of tea cakes a couple of weeks ago, though it was only yesterday that i decided to open it up and perhaps make some. As soon as I opened it thousands upon thousands of tiny ants came scrambling out. Apperently they have decided to make it their home for the past couple weeks. Well I know myself, and I know I don't like to drink anything with bugs in it, nor do I know anyone that would, except maybe Camille (who on a dare last year ate a Mexican beatle and LIVED!) So I took the stack of and decided to make a bath tub full of tea. Apparently these ants did not take to the water very well and drown. But there is no way that i'm touching those tea cakes again, well only for revenge. So beware.

1) Students playing ping pong with.. a piece of wood.. (no racket) really low budget, I think i should get them some rackets for the school so they can borrow.
2) Me playing ping pong with a piece of wood.
3) Some of the teachers playing basketball.

4) On the way to one of the Dai villiages near my school.
5) Watching the Power Puff girls in Chinese on cable TV in China (oh how I miss those power puff girls.. who were they again? Bubbles, Buttercup and Blossom :)

Chinese movie theaters

2006-09-26T20:17:00.000-07:00

are completely opposite to ones in North America, I saw a new release called "the Banquet" great movie, very artistic (like Hero, and Crouching Tiger Hidden dragon); not enough action, but the story made up for it. It did not disapoint in the traditional Chinese filmaking style where everyone, I mean every important character dies. Tragety, since it was in Chinese (with English subtitles) you will probably never see it so i'll spoil it for you. SPOILIER WARNING:

So the Emperor of China was assiassinated by his Brother, (big surprise here, kinda like "got to save the girl syndrome in Hollywood") who knew that would be an excellent plot element? Okay so, the prince, whose uncle has gained power wants revenge and spends the entire movie sulking and depressed like a 5 year old over how to get it. Now the Uncle marries the previous Empress, who happens to be the princes step mother... (but is 4 years younger, someone is a (male version of a cougar... could someone remind me?) But the Empress is in love with the Prince... and some other girl. So some really cool and artistic cinamatography as well as fighting occuring along the way, and we get to the end.

Setting: the banquet (hence the name of the movie)

The Empress poisons the Emporers cup of wine, but just as he is about to drink it the other girl who is in love with the prince show up at the banquet, and asks to preform a dance, the emporer is so moved that he gives her the cup of wine. (She dies) Then the prince who was disquised as one of the dancers reveils himself(he loved this girl), and is once again heart broken, first his father, and now her perish, just as he is about to exact revenge, the emporer realizes his emporess was going to kill him, and he comes to the though that no one loves him or wants him seeing as the prince is about to kill him, so he takes the rest of the cup of wine and drinks it. So he dies... (talk about wasting a really good opportunity for some class action kungfu fighting with swords! BOOOO!) Then the brother of the first girl that died comes dashing out and tries to kill the Empress, since she poisioned the wine which killed his sister, but the prince stops him by catching his blade and yes, surprise surprise, the blade is poisioned so who dies? the Prince. Its not over yet, so then the Empress in that moment takes her hidden knife and kills the brother. Phew. what a massarce, something out of Freddy cougar or Jason movie... and it would not be a chinese movie if the Empress didn't die, so the last sence has a dagger fly into her back by some unknow assassin... The end....

After that I cried the whole night.

Oh and another funny thing was they don't turn off their cell phones in the Theaters... so every couple of minutes you would here someones cell phone go off, some frank sinatra.. then bionce, but i'm use to it ha!

If there was anything I would want more of here, it would be scrable games, I only brought one, and even that was a last minute purchase at your local friendly neighbourhood spide.... Walmart. The Highschoolers love the game, and its kinda funny the other night we they were playing they have the option for asking for help, so which word did I come up with "HELP" they were enthralled at the pun. Then the same team who I 'helped' (get it? are you ROFL yet?) spelt the word "WON" on the last turn, and guess who won? YES they did! This doesn't come across well over a blog does it.

English corner happens today! Time to teach them some baseball and slang! whooo hooo!

Who can ask for anything more?

2006-09-22T06:52:00.000-07:00

I took most of the day off today, teaching one class, and observing another in the morning. It's been a busy week, a little stressful but nothing out of the ordinary. So I decided to bike to the city (about a 20 minute ride) see if I could get a new watch.. (Yes no surprise here.. I lost it playing football) It was one of those watches embedded into a carribeaner which should make it almost impossible to lose but I didn't latch it to anything, just slipped it into my pocket so anyways, a watch, I also needed some new running shoes since playing football every day is really taxing on my old runners, so much so, that the base of the shoe has been slowing tearing off. And to see if I could get some Gameboy advanced games for my Nintendo DS(No success :( ). Not to mention stop at the supermarket to replenish my supply of Snickers chocolate bars and fresh fruits. So anyways I ran into several friends in the city(its a small enough city for that to happen often) and spent the afternoon conversing in English with them and I think I'm gonna meet them every sunday to do just that. Its kinda nice to have friends outside the school you work at.

Then I biked back played some football with students, basketball with teachers, (skipped out on dinner) but I was invited to go to a cooking class where I learned how to make dough, and some steamed buns filled with pork and vegtables. I'm thinking that I'll take some cooking classes while i'm here... learn some chinese... cooking... and teach English, sounds like a really good deal. Then when I come back I could work in a chinese fast food restaurant! Got to dye my hair black though. they'll never hire me if they find out that I'm white.

The students here are wonderful, there are some students that misbehave and such, but usually never in the class. I've just got that charming persona, or its the 'wow a foriegner!' syndrome. They just can't get enough of me sometimes and it can be draining. But to put a smile on those students faces but just saying hello is more that anyone could ask for, even if that is the extent of their English. I'm starting to recodnize students faces and as such develop a stronger bond with them since I see them over and over again.

Pictures!

2006-09-18T06:56:00.000-07:00

Here are some random pics for your viewing pleasure!

1)Man peeing on bricks
2)Freezbie in the process of being broken because the grade 7's don't know how to throw it properly. (So this is their freesbie, and when it breaks... they won't be able to play)
3)Some of the laundered money hanging up to dry.

1) Cool dragon fly
2) Stacked Boxes
3) A bowl to collect rubber from a ... wait for it... did you ever think it would be called a rubber tree? Well many of the local farmers have become rich from this trade, and gamblers!

Me and my new Physics teacher friend! First day we met we clicked!

English Name Authority

2006-09-16T06:30:00.000-07:00

Yes that's right, if you have a baby, boy or girl, or if you have a child without an English name I would recommend a 15 minute consultation with yours truely. Within the past week I have given over 60 students English names through a variety of methods. One class I just wrote names on a piece of construction paper and then randomly gave every student a name. Today I played football with several students and afterwards (Since I know I probably wouldn't remember their names) I named them.

What's your name? ... Dai Ge Si? ... Hmmm your English name is Douglas...
how about yours? Wai Nei? I think Wayne suits you perfectly fine.

I think I'll get a little more creative as time goes by and now i'll be able to give students names that Alice would never accept. Like Maximus, and Titonis. Oh and my favorite name of all time from the Book, Shagmar.. Opps (that's probably from austin powers) I mean Shamgar.

Today I was invited to dinner (It seems like I'm invited to dinner, or to a Dai village, or to something everyday) by my liason Scott. Oh great! A chance to talk with and get to know the English Teachers better! so I jumped on it. When we got their, there were teachers alright, but none of them were English teachers and I've seen them before. They have invited me to dinner twice before. Though I must say I do feel like a caged monkey when having dinner with them. Of course they can't speak English apart from hello, goodbye and thank you. My Chinese isn't up to par either and so I just sit their and enjoy the dinner while they chat away. My beef comes when they start talking about me (and I know cause they stare, point, and its just plain obvious.) which makes me feel uncomfortable, I still wonder why they even bother to invite me (unless its Scott inviting me) I know they probably want to be nice and all but it almost seems like there is some kind of string attached. Some time late I feel like their going to ask me to do something and expect it since they took me out to dinner. I read somewhere that this is a Chinese way of doing things, you scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours. But it isn't in any way developing any sort of relationship or friendship.

So I wondered why Scott hangs around these teachers rather then the English teachers. The only connection that I could make out happened last week when it was teachers day in China and some of the teachers got awards. Scott, and all the other teachers at the dinner tonight recieved awards, but I couldn't remember any of the other English teachers getting awarded. Its almost like they are part of the same clique. A group of cronies. That's the feeling I get from them, though honestly that's not a fair opinion, and maybe when I learn enough of the language i'll be proven wrong. But I totally can't figure out why Scott would hang with them, he's not their type. He's more open minded. I'll see if I can learn anything more about them.

Anyways, Time to teach the Thai international students how to play Dutch Blitz and Settlers of Catan! Wooooo Hooooo! Bam! Awesome!

And I think sometimes, we're bad...

2006-09-13T20:04:00.000-07:00

Well the other day the Thai international students, Jin Yang (Chinese guy learning Thai and I were quietly sitting in the evening studying. Jin Yang then asks the Thai teacher to practice his Thai pronounciation... Fair enough. All of the sudden, Balloon and Victor (two international students from Thailand) burst out laughing and it isn't necessarily apparent what they are laughing about, until I hear Jin Yang pronouncing Thai, and the laughter getting sucessively louder. Sure when learning a language you might make mistakes, funny ones too. But this was something else, in fact Balloon had to take a break cause he couldn't concentrate on studying anymore. I'm glad they are still friends.

I laundered some money the other day, about 3 kuai (40 cents canadian), I'm still trying to get use to the fact that I have to do all the washing by hand. Who knows this might be the begining to my new secret life underground. First, laundering money and who knows whats next? Gambling with the students? hmmm if they don't hvae the money they can still gamble with their food coupons! Keep those idea's coming!

Had a crazy nuts dream last night, I thought I finished the year and was flying home. I was thinking during the dream that my year has gone rather quickly only to my terror waking up that I still have 11 months left! Actually I already miss this place, funny I say that cause I'm here, how could I miss it? But I know i'll be leaving and that's just depressing. Here I'm eatting right, exercising every day, interacting with babies, kids, students, teachers... Teaching. Who can ask for more?

Sawaticrap

2006-09-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

Means hello in Thai! That's right! The next time you hear 'swaticrap', I'd suggest that you 'swaticrap' them back. Bam, instant friends. Yes I know I'm suppose to be learning Manderin, but with my Thai friends (who are also learning Mandering) it can be very difficult as they want to learn English. And of course Thai does sound like its an easier language to learn then Manderin. So I got to give my Thai friends English names today, Rebecca, Victor, Sandra, and Balloon. Okay Balloon was not my idea, he was the only one with an english name already and he kinda likes it. I think it should be apparent why he is called Balloon, but the interesting thing is, they don't care for physical apperances as much as we do in NA, so they have a joy of a time making fun of everyone, and vice versa (all in good fun).

I had a opportunity to talk about the Mormans today with Sandra, as she found that word in an Chinese English phrase book that I gave to her to look at. She said that she had a friend who was involved with the Mormans, and they had all sorts of rules that they had to follow, eg, no drinking, no dancing, no 'coke a cola!' In a place where Cokecola translates to Tasty Happy, how could you prohibit that? Well anyways It gave me a great opportunity to share what the difference was between the Mormans and its originating source.

The English department head of the middle school (Linda) introduced me to her husband (Jack) a couple of days ago, and unbenownst to me Jack is apparently a cooking teacher at the highschool so last night I was offered to take some freshly baked bread from the cooking class. Jack also said I could attend his classes so that I can learn to cook some chinese food (eg. Steamed pork buns, dumplings, etc) sounds great to me! Hmm I'm gonna really like this arrangement.

Oh and try to remind me to discipline myself when I buy chocolate, I discovered the other day that there were Snickers bars to be had a 3 yuan (40 cents) I got 2 of them along with a 'Dove' chocolate bar. Too bad they didn't last past the second day.

So on page 105

2006-09-10T06:24:00.000-07:00

of my Chinese At a Glance Tourist Language Handbook, I came across a very puzzling entry... Its under the Entertainment and Diversions Chapter. The phrase in chinese is Ni gen wo yiqi hui fandian, hao ma? Which translates to "Would you like to go back to my Hotel?... Who are they talking about? Why would I invite anyone to go back to my Hotel room. Strange book, well for the sake of practising Chinese I'll try it on a couple people.

Today was teachers day in China, where the best teachers get awarded and the rest get to watch and applaud. That's what happened during the morning assembly. Teachers who are the best, and I mean the best, also get a bonus of something like 100 kuai. Yes my friends that means they can buy that Electric fan they always wanted or dine in their favorite restaurant.... TWICE! Too bad I wasn't here last year, I would have one the award. None the less they gave me 100 kuai as something like a signing bonus, I'm eating well tonight boyz! My liason Scott got an award, (I think I should introduce him about now) He's been taking me places here, as well as making sure I've got water, food, and a place to sleep. He's like my guardian angel, without the wings and such.

Met with the foreigners today, the ones in the city that are here for the same reason as I am. Many of them work either in an orphanage for disable children who are usually left behind in the hospital by uncaring mothers. Others are here to educate people about aids and such, as many of us know, there is still a "I can get Aids by sitting on a dirty toilet seat".. wait, there are no toilet seats here, only squaty potties, I stand corrected. None the less it seems like there is much education and teaching in health education to share with these people.

Typical English Conversation with students

2006-09-08T20:20:00.000-07:00

Me: Hello!

Them: giggle giggle, giggle, tee-hee tee-hee tee-hee, giggle giggle giggle

Me: How are you?

Them: giggle giggle, giggle, tee-hee tee-hee tee-hee, giggle giggle giggle

Typical English conversation started by students:

Them: Hello

Me: Hello

Them: giggle giggle, giggle, tee-hee tee-hee tee-hee, giggle giggle giggle, How are you?

Me: Good and you?

Them: giggle giggle, giggle, tee-hee tee-hee tee-hee, giggle giggle giggle

Spitting Sunflower seeds

I have discovered the secret to the fine art of spitting sun flower seeds, where as most of us (in the west) can get sunflower seeds without the impenitrable casing, that is only a luxury to the few and wealthy in China. The rest of us must master the tongue twisting sunflower seed extracting trade, and well I have about given up. Until the other day I learned of a way to save face yet decieve the untold masses. First you nonchalantly grab a handful of seeds, and toss one into your mouth. Start to pretend to chew, wait for several seconds to pass and then slightly grimace first (to show to your friends you have successfully retrieved the prized seed) and then smile to show your satisfaction. The final step is to spit the seed out, on to the ground, where no one would be suspect of your actions. (Who would scour the ground looking at sunflower seeds to make sure they were eaten?) Very important for it to land on the ground and not on the table where others can casually see that the encasing has not be penetrated.

Please let me know if this tip is useful!

Finally, I would like to tell you all that have sucessfully started to integrate the habits of the local peoples here. First an formost is the delightful practice of spitting all the bones, particles and other food stuff on the table or the floor (Out of sight out of mind). So next time I come to enjoy an evening with you my Canadian friends don't be alarmed to see me or food sputtered all over your floor or table, table manners have never come this easy to me before, I am really starting to like this place!

Over and out

I've only got 2 casualties

2006-09-06T07:08:00.000-07:00

While washing my clothes today. Yes, I get down on my hand and knees take my wash basin and scrub like a madman. Laundry machines are a thing of the past my friends as I have discovered the wonder and enjoyment of washing clothes by hands. Not only does it work on my Chinese squat (which is the most preferable way to relax in China hands down) it also has the secondary effects of leaving my hands clean every time. Oh so the casualties, a very small pocket book of English and Chinese Phrases, and my 64 MB pen drive. Both of them looked like they survived the horrific experience as I discovered to my shigrin the well soaked objects.

On a positive note I got to eat at a Dai village today, yep! That means pigs blood and raw meat, and homemade alcohol... percent unknown... But they also had sticky rice, and bamboo shoots (which are awesome) and some part of an animal that I could not recodnize.. probably the intestine, but it had no taste so I gobbled it all up.

The Dai people themselves so friendly but shy, every time I see the Dai students they say hi to me, and if I reply hi back, they turn and run away. I certainly hope its not because of the mohawk that I have now a days. (Don't tell Alice). I'm still relaxing here, observing 2 classes a day, but tommorrow seems promising, English Corner, and a meeting with the Middle school teachers! Heads are going to roll! (just kidding)

Signing off... your favorite Asian
Peace

5 Days in Yunnan

2006-09-03T07:07:00.000-07:00

360 to go, but I\'m not counting or keeping track? Why would I since I\'ve been having a great and wonderful time. So what am I really doing here? I really didn\'t know till I got here last wednesday. Apparently I managed to convince the administration not to have me teach English to students, but rather come to train the teachers. Of course that doesn\'t mean that I have no student interaction or that I won\'t teach any student classes. So what exactly do I have to do here? Well they didn\'t give me any mandate (yet), and all I have been told was to put together a plan, something that gives them a sense that I\'ll be improving the level of English spoken by the teachers. A lot of freedom eh? And responsibility.. hmm I\'ve never been in charge of anything so big before, worring any of you yet? Well I do have a plan, so to give you the long and short of it, these are just some of my ideas:

1) Observe teachers teach in the classroom and provide feedback

2) Set up weekly English teacher training sessions ( one for middle school, one for the highschool)

3) Help improve the English corner event (which happens twice a month, once for middle school students and once for highschool students.)

4) Setup bi-monthy English conversation classes for ANY teacher who wants to improve their english)

5) Start an English Club for students who are very interested in learning English (and may want to become English teachers) Once a week. If this is successful they can help out with the English Corner.

6) Get involved in school life, with the students, teachers, visiting their homes, going out to dinner, opportunities to meet people.

7) Set up a English Computer TEacher Training Course (once a week or once every 2 weeks)

8) Teach Classes for teachers that I have observed (to be a model for them)

Sounds ambitious? Do you think i\'m taking on too much? Its pretty exciting,

In other news my room is great.. sorta, its like a hotel room with a bathroom, but you can\'t flush the toliet... so you can only do number 1 there the squaty poties are outside. I also have to make sure that I don\'t use too much water from the sink since the pipe has worn out and it leaks all over my floor. The one thing that I\'m starting to despise though are ants. Yes, ants... they have established a stronghold underneath the bathtub, and I am lost to think of some sort of tactic to rid them. Unfortunately after 10 minutes of going to a super market and drawing a picture of an ant and a trap (eg ant trap get it?) came up with no help. So I just take a wet rag and scrub, that\'s the fastest way to kill the most ants in one felt swoop. But they keep coming back, and actually I think I\'ve been becoming more neurotic because of it... looking for ants in my room ready with my ant exterminator rag to sneak up behind them and then.... smack! Its also made me become a little bit of a neat freak, scary huh? Well I\'m glad they aren\'t biting ants but one of these days i\'ll think of something to wipe them off the map.

Blasted ants... for those ant sympathizers out there you best be wearing black and moruning for the next few months.

Thoughts about Hong Kong

2006-08-30T06:33:00.000-07:00

AH i've arrived to my home for the next year! and its amazing! I'll tell you about it later. Here is a little critique of Hong Kong :D enjoy!

1) Observations:

Where are the benches? ... In the shopping malls? Nope, In the parks nope... try mcdonalds or KFC. That's right, looking for a place to sit after shopping for several hours has never become so difficult as it is in hong kong. You see some squaters at times and even I will degrade to squatting if my legs are tired enough, but there is a severe seating shortage in Hong Kong beware, and keep some RUB A535 in your backpack for those sore muscles.

Hmm speaking of food, if you ever go to the multi story Malls in Hong Kong (try 8 floors minimum) looking for food, I wish you luck trying to find food in the first 7 floors. Some say its been done, but I'm sceptical. My stomach was calling me one day at this mall in Hong Kong called Festival walk... right, great festival with NO food? What kind of festival is that? Well low and behold I take hold of the mall map, half in Chinese and half in English, luckily KFC has no apparent Chinese translation yet. To my horror I see that its on the 8th floor along with the rest of the food court. It takes half an hour to get up those escalators to get there. What Hong Kong has done effectively is taken the 'Fast' out of fast food, and fed it to the dogs. (*please be advised this is not an accurate description of all the mall)

KFC has been the fast food place of choice for me these past couple weeks, I think i'm spoiling myself as I am preparing to leave for the mainland on monday, which may be tommorrow depending on when I post this. But the Zinger Chicken burger which goes for 24 hong kong dollars ($3.30) canadian with soda and fries is quite the deal. Mind you my first couple times going to KFC was quite hard on my system since i've been eating steamed food fish vegatables and such, which is a forwarning for me a year from now when I get back to the greasy spoon country. (Canada)

On another note, I was thinking of going hiking on one of the mountains on Hong Kong Island. It sounded like a good idea, get some exercise, and do something else rather then shop. But not so much when you have a level 2 typhoon warning in the area. Yeah, so I can't read chinese or speak cantonese I almost ended up going hiking on a day where there was a typhoon warning. Talk about ending up as a statistic. That's how I want to go... kick the bucket... as a statistic, I'll at least be counted for something (as long as it has nothing to do with stupidity... such as hiking when there is a typhoon warning.

I also discovered the other day the shangrila of computer malls. Funny thing is that I've been to the computer mall many times before. In HK its called the Golden Computer Plaza, but in the same building is another computer mall named the Golden Computer Arcade. Before the discovery I thought the GC Arcade was the worse computer mall in HK... Now I beg to differ... how I didn't notice until the end of my trip in HK beats me but here is an illustration of what its like:

Its kinda like going to mcdonalds and only thinking that they serve desserts... Oh you mean you have hambugers too? Could you imagine someone coming up to you and telling you "I've been eating at Mcdonalds for at least a year till I realized they had anything other then deserts.

Finally pictures

2006-08-27T06:02:00.000-07:00

1) The stone forest
2) Now that's a Keyboard!
3) Real jade! Not fake! I promise!

1) Get away get away Alice!
2) Elephant rock
3) Markets in Hong kong

1)More great signs.. comments on them appreicated
2) Black Piggies.. White piggies.. why can't we all just get along!
3) No Frank Sinatra imitations $5000 fine

On the Mickey mouse train to Disney Land in Hong Kong

Married?

2006-08-23T19:54:00.000-07:00

No not yet, but I've heard rummor mills are quite capable of producing such irreptuatble nonsense. Especially when one is only engaged to another person. Yes its true, sometimes my MSN nicknames don't tell the whole truth and sometimes they lie, but its true this time. Alice and I are engaged. In Hong Kong. Funny thing though 2 days after it happens she has to fly back to California while I stay here in china for the year. Talk about long distance. And I thought when we first were going out where I was in Kingston and she was in Toronto was crazy. Now we're an Ocean apart. What madness could this lead to when we get married. The closer we seem to be getting the further in distance we actually are. Ah life! Though since we are apart for at least a year, we aren't planning the day yet.. soonest would be a year and a half to two years. Just be patient!

2 Words: Magic Wallets!

And some of you back home will get some when I come back! I can't wait! Can you?

(sorry still no pictures.. maybe this uhhhh sunday i'll have time to put some up)

My Navigator hat

2006-08-18T01:43:00.000-07:00

Is gone.... It went missing along with the many wallets, children, and unbrella's that go missing every day around the world. I knew the purpose of a hat was to wear on one's head, but for some odd reason I was carrying it around in my hands. In Hong Kong with the sweltering 30 degree humidity wearing a hat makes a head full of hair look like a plate of half eaten spaghetti. So please take a moment in your busy day to mourn for my loss. It was with me for only one year and I'm sad to say it will not have a proper burial.

In other news the travel agent that booked my ticket to and from Canada messed up. As I was suppose to get a ticket that would be extendable to one year so that I can stay in China for one year and fly back with the return portion of the ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket that we got has a 6 month limit on it, slating me to return on Jan 3 2007 the latest. That is quite the monkey wretch in this teaching in china for a year. But as we speak some really awesome people (alice's parents) are working on it right now. I will most liketly still stay for the year with a few alterations to my flights. Nevertheless, a good travel agent is hard to find (especially when this one adamently told us that the ticket was good for a year and that we could extend the date of it in Hong Kong)

And I finnaly think I've found the right way to ask that question... and not too late if I might add.

Cheerio!

Its so strange

2006-08-12T03:52:00.000-07:00

being back in Hong Kong after 3 weeks in China. Materialism and over crowding are two things you'll find here as I was in the thick of it today being pulled into a A/V expo or for you non A/V people "Audio/Visual" electronics expo. The 6 booths they put up in the middle of a shopping center was quite the exhibit and all part of Hong Kong's latest and greatest scheme to entice shoppers. Yes we have the official HONG KONG SHOPPING FESTIVAL "bonanza" going on from June 24 to August 31! That's right a festival to celebrate the season of summer, the season of shopping! What more could someone ask for? Next week we'll be dancing our way into Knutsford Happy Day, were you can dine at some fancy restaurants and of course be Happy! Come on everybody its Happy day!

On a more serious note, it was quite sad to see our American brothers depart today. As difficult as the coming year will be, these guys know what it will be like as we taught together for 3 weeks. I could see each of them being stretched while being there, from trying out the bathrooms to teaching for at times 8 hours a day. More importantly I think was the desire to do more, to come back again, and even a sense of loss because we didn't get as much interaction time with our students. Especially since we got to bus back to our hotel while our students stayed in the residence almost every evening. One person really held out this point as he thought in retrospect that being able to stay at the school with the students would have a bigger impact with the students. Of course there are things to overcome while living at the school such as the sanitary conditions and danger of being emotionally burnt out, but those kinds of situations are times when we are stretched and have to learn to become more flexible.

I have to admit I was not able to reflect on this trip as much as I would have liked and I was having a little difficulty adjusting to the new environment and I would just like to thank the Alice, the Canadian and American team for being there and showing me ways to be open even in light of my own pride.

That's all for now from Hong Kong!

Bad Idea

2006-08-02T22:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it was balmy 30 degrees here yesterday. Just finishing up lunch and getting ready to teach and I get an idea to juggle a soccer ball with my foot. The next thing I know i'm drenched with sweat. Several huge sweat stains started to form on my shirt as I look down to my dismay, I must of left a great impression with the students. Nevertheless I think they had a good laugh... its always good to laugh in class.

I also tried pig's blood the other day. Its a speciality here, though they bake it or fry it up some how. It doesn't taste that bad either, and it its not that deep cherry red color, it looks more scabby. That's what its like, eating your scabs. Though if someone would ask me again to try it I　would. I　think you can get some at any fancy chinese restaurant for those of you who are dieing to try it in North America.

This weekend looks pretty good as we're going to visit a Dai (the local minority) village and spend a night in a small town. I　just hope that we all stay healthy, I heard that the dai people like to make dishes with raw meat. Just a couple of the things I　have to get use to here.

Still no pictures, but try back next week!

Week One Over

2006-07-29T05:15:00.000-07:00

Apart from avoiding to use the bathroom in the school， the first week here has been fantastic！ As most of you know I have been teaching english to teachers. As I have discovered this week, most of them have not been practising or using English since their days in middle or high school. Most of them have been told that they will be teaching English to their students this coming September as a new requirement to their teaching repetoire. Unfortunately they have had only 6 months of prior training in English. That's the way it works here. So in these weeks we can only do our best to reinforce the English that they do know and get them to practice speaking it over and over.

Its been a great experience, which has giving me more confidence being up their teaching as well as peace in this coming year. I already think that my stomach is accostume to the usual food that the people eat here. The only thing that I would need encouragment in would be to make sure that I don't get burnt out. The team and here right now have been pulling 10 hour days so that's something that I have to watch for when I start in September.

Today we went to a "Forest Park" about an hour away from the city. There were Monkey's, Snakes, and other exotic fauna that one would expect to see when coming to a location such as this. Again I have seen the ingenuity of the Chinese when it comes to making money. There was a exotic bird exhibit with all sorts of ... birds... which were trained to fly to the audience member who were holding at least 10 or more yuan... (dollars) They they would take the money and fly it back to their trainer, genius! Then we watched an elephant show with REAL elephants! The trainers called us to feed the elephants for 10 yuan. Okay so, We pay you and we get food to feed your elephants? So you don't need to spend any money on food at the same time you make money? I'm in, I'm goona get me a St. Bernard and the next time you see me, if you give me $5 bucks i'll let you feed my dog! Sound good?

PS. No time for uploading pictures, you'll have to wait till I get back to Hong Kong.

In Yunnan Now

2006-07-24T06:16:00.000-07:00

Wow.. I can't believe I found out how to add a new post, everything on this computer is Chinese!!! Well Its been a couple days, but I've now flown to what will be my new home. The weather is much cooler then Beijing, Hong Kong and Xi'an. Okay sure the food is laced with delicious chili peppers, but I haven't felt the digestive effects from it yet. There was this one really spicy crab dish, which I ate and basically changed the way I tasted food for the next hour. Now that was nuts...

We went to the school and taught english for the first day today, there are about 30 teachers fair sized class, knew much less English then I expected which is okay, except for the fact that now I just have to re-adjust all my lesson plans to follow suit otherwise I'll be talking to about 30 yes men. Pretending to understand but not saying a thing. Well it can make me feel like I'm doing a good job. Some of our teachers got to recieve English names today, some of the more unique ones where Study, Cookie, and Cutie, but there was a student in another class whose name was Penguin. That's a lucky kid. I wish I was named Penguin, he's apparently the most popular in his class so he's got what it takes to pull it off.

I've got to keep this short cause I've got a meeting in ten minutes but if you can, mail me some chocolate.. or Harveys! Oh and if you have any idea's for classroom english activities.. Add em to the comments. I have to teach 6 hours a day!

Zai Jian!

My New Waredrobe

2006-07-21T06:07:00.000-07:00

In the process of belonging to another culture, one must start to dress, speak, and act as the those that belong to the culture. Dress has been the first and easiest step for me as the following photos will reveal!

Watches should be as wide as your wrist, that way its easier to tell the time especially if you have trouble looking at your watch at the right distance.

Those monkeys help to eat up odor. I think this is more of a psychological effect.

Cheers for now! Yeahhhhh! Tommorrow is the big day, we are flying back into China to teach English for 3 weeks. I hope I'll be able to continue to post from there! Many thanks to all your encouragements!

Interesting new ways to use the English language

2006-07-18T02:35:00.000-07:00

Oh not to forget, in China I have discovered many new ways to use English, ways that I've come to appreciate especially from the signs that I come across.
I challenge you to come up with reasons for any of the signs.

The Chinese eat anything, including pork scratchings. That must be some itchy pork! Itchy pork, itchy pork, itchy pork!

Many things are also prohibitied in China, just take a look at this list. Staying in your hotel room is the safest way to obey all these laws.

As opposed to non-traditional chinese technology? Now that sounds scary.

Scribbling here is a crime... so print neatly, no cursive please!

No way to avoid the stumbling.. But when you stumble be cautious and you should be okay!

Yeah! uhhh, yeah your head! You've got one... so .. uh.. Watch out, cause its yours!

The person who translated that sign is dangerous, ambiguity is never a comforting sign.

Pictures and Fun Facts about China

2006-07-18T01:46:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a break from ranting about tour busing and instead I'll give you chance to see some pictures and sites from Beijing, Xi'an and Hong Kong... Here are some classic sites from Beijing. A building in the Forbbiden Palace is first and then a shot of the Heavenly Temple.

Beijing is a massive city and construction was rampant where ever we drove, buildings such as the one to the left are everywhere. They also don't use our mundane 'box style architecture' either.

1. Here we have the Terra Cotta warriors found buried in Xi'an.
2. An area in Xi'an that is being prepared for development (probably because of the next Olympics), while in the mean time it is used as a market for locals.
3. Alice and I in an nice Red, While strip background composition.
4. An Electronic shop in Beijing (across the street) that tried to sell us a 512 memory stick for $70 Canadian dollars. (You should be able to find it for less then half that amount... (and a boy in the foreground waiting for a bus).
5. Finally, we have a show that we saw in Xi'an with traditional Chinese music and dancers.

Touring China... Watch out

2006-07-16T03:14:00.000-07:00

Hey y'all I finally decided to start my blog, yes I know I've already been out of the country for about 2 weeks but its been hard to find time and a place to blog. So right now i'm in Hong Kong in a internet cafe.. or more of an arcade There are about 200 computers here and looking aroung I see that i'm the only one that is not playing a game. The decible level is pretty close to a nightclub so don't be suprised to see me in hearing aids. Soooo what have I been doing these past few weeks? Okay so I went to Beijing and Xi'an to tour with Alice and her parents... Bare with me if you can. Oh and sorry that I don't have any pictures up yet, those will come in due time in the mean time humor yourself with the following engrish: "Danger! Hot Work Below!" Yeouch!! Hansel is so hot right now.

Now for part one of my touring China tirade!

4 words, Avoid tour bus tours.
They leave you tired, broke, over stresed and frustrated.

Okay okay, that's a little harsh... how about, Avopid tour bus tours in China? See I'm not generalizing anymore. So I am not that exstatic about the week long tour to Beijing and Xi'an, but I firgured that somethihg like this would happen. I'm not a tour bus kinda buy. I like freedom, flexibliliy in an American kinda a way... Throw the schedule out the window! This is not what a tour with a tour bus is like.

4 Days in Beijing
2 days in Xi'an

Great wall, Summer Palace, Great Buddhist Temple, Forbidden City, Tiananmen Square, Emperors park, Heavenly Temple, Government Administratino Buildings, are just a few of the places I got to check out. But the truth is we spent so little time in each of them (about an hour or less) that its hard for me to be able to appreciate them. We were herded by the guide one place after another as cattle header for the slaughter. Okay I am being a little critical, and I'm not saying that touring is.. wrong, for some people its how they have fun, tourism is good for a country, its economy, don't get me wrong. But I can tour without a company pushing me around. How about...
Avoid tour bus tours in China if you don't like the structure?
Whoa, I'm seeing a whole new perpective to this now. So I went with Alice and her parents, which explains why I went with the bus in the first place and I really appreciate them for inviting me to come and exjperience all the sights with them. Kudoo's to them. I also see that its not the tour guides or any of the people involved on the tour either for the basis of the tirade. Perhaps its the role that we put ourselves in... or the system places on us when we become 'tourists'. Wow this post is becoming a little long, so i'm gonna break it up through a couple of days :) I mean, while touring do we really get a truthful view of the culture? Do we get to see the current culture not only the historical?

Some things to think about. As for Hong Kong, quite the crowded city but i'm enjoying it, the food is great! And tonight i'm picking up a friend from the airport.. some of you might know him from Toronto, Ryan N. Anyway's I've really got to go to the bathroom right now so I have to end it. Maybe its something I ate.

Till next time!